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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ
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(♪ THOMAS MAROLDA:
"That's Life")
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ
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♪ Ba, da-ba-dup
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♪ Ba-da-dum,
ba-da-da, da-da-dum
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- ♪ I woke up
- ♪ I woke up
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- ♪ On the wrong side of bed
- ♪ On the wrong side of bed
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- ♪ You try to do right
- ♪ You try to do right
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♪ Where your heart's being led, yeah
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♪ Bending rules
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♪ I'll get where I'm going
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♪ You're a rebel tonight
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♪ I'm dressed,
and you know it's showing
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- ♪ Baby
- ♪ That's life
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♪ Some things never change
in a love affair
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♪ That's life
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♪ We can rearrange this love affair
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♪ That's life
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♪ Ba, da-ba-dup... ♪
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It's OK, T.C.,
you can come out now.
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- Stop shouting, I'm right next to you.
- OK, T.C.
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- ♪ I woke up
- ♪ I woke up... ♪
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- (Slurping)
- Cut that out.
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Can't!
Fluid's part of my diet.
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Fluid's part of your brain.
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Human body's 75% fluid, T.C.
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- That leaves you out.
- Huh?
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- It's a joke, uh?
- I don't get it.
29
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You never get it.
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My conversations with you should be
closed captioned for the brain-damaged.
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Just shut up and do some work.
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Hey, I carried you
all the way up the hill already.
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Twice kinda... kinda dropped you.
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- I'm in your debt.
- (Slurping)
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What do you see?
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Money.
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(Sighs) Life's a bitch.
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And here's Johnny.
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Come on, come on, let's go.
It's almost noon.
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I didn't notice.
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How can you not notice?
When the sun's up there, it's almost noon.
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Well, excuse me,
but astronomy wasn't my major.
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Come on, man! Move!
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Not you, idiot.
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Do me a favor and get your pretty little ass
into something less comfortable,
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so we can make the goddamn plane.
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OK, OK, don't be so irate,
honey nipples.
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- What now? (Slurps)
- She's going inside to change.
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Not much time before
the 2:45 flight to Maui takes off.
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- How do you know?
- Lip reading.
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No! (Laughs)
52
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No, idiot,
I checked the computer.
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You know,
the same one that tells you
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when people take out insurance
on expensive electronic gear,
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or when they book flights,
and how long they'll be gone.
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Must be nice to be born smart.
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- I wasn't born smart.
- No?
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Nah, I was born brilliant, gifted, special,
one in a million.
59
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Then how come you're a burglar?
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First time for everything.
Society's fault, anyway.
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Why this weekend, Julie?
Couldn't Hawaii wait a week?
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Well, there's some people coming in
that I'd rather not see.
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- Relatives?
- Well, let's just say family.
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Now, are you sure
you didn't forget anything?
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No, I... I'm not sure.
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Jesus, what good is a secretary
who can't remember anything?
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I have a devastating body,
great eyes, nice tits,
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I'm fun to be with, I don't whine,
I don't think much, and I give great head.
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- So?
- Come on, Julie!
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Would you hire anybody
who didn't give great head?
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00:04:02,246 --> 00:04:03,664
- Well...
- (Both chuckling)
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- I do have my weaknesses.
- More than one, darling.
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- Alright, alright, get your book, get your book.
- OK.
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Um... alarm?
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Um... on.
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- OK, air conditioner?
- Off.
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- Sprinklers.
- On auto.
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Very good.
Alright, pool heater?
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Um... off.
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- Phones?
- On answer.
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Jacuzzi?
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Come on, come on,
cut the shit.
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- Alimony?
- Paid.
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- Video?
- In New York.
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Audition?
86
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What audition, honey nipples?
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Stop calling me honey nipples!
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- Well, you call me sweet cakes.
- That's different!
89
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Now, how about the auditions next Saturday?
Are they all arranged?
90
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Well, I called all the agents
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and gave them the address,
the time, and the...
92
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Yes, that's right, I...
93
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Well, so,
how many are we getting?
94
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About a hundred,
all with bathing suits.
95
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They love you,
they love all your films.
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Good.
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(Car engine starts)
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- (Phone beeps)
- Oh, life's a bitch!
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(Beeping)
100
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Mort, babe.
Yeah, it is babe, isn't it?
101
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Yeah, yeah. I, uh... I missed you
at the sports connection the other day.
102
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Yeah, we got work
on a new movie, huh?
103
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You have a lot of sex and violence,
you'll love it.
104
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Huh! Sure, it's got a title,
it's called "Sex And Violence".
105
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Yeah, well sure it's rated R,
it's the only thing the kids like.
106
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OK, let's do lunch.
Alright, you got it.
107
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Uh-huh, the Polo Lounge.
I'll give you a call, babe. Alright.
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Come on.
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(Car banging)
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- Tough, huh?
- Piece of cake.
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(Horn blaring)
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Well, hello up there.
113
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You know, I was walking by,
and I noticed that you could use a shave.
114
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So, I have brought something, my friend,
that I think you will enjoy.
115
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And yes, you too will be
a Latino love deity like myself.
116
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Oh, oh, you... wow, that's a wow.
117
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Oi! Oh, my, my, my, my, my,
that's beautiful.
118
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That's real clever, T.C.
They did it in a movie once.
119
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I can't remember which one, though.
120
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OK, what's the number
for J in the alphabet?
121
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- A, B, C, D...
- Ten.
122
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OK, I.
123
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- A, B, C, D...
- Twelve.
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(Beeping)
125
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(Lock clicking, gates whirring)
126
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(Laser whooshes, alarm blaring)
127
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Oh, oh, we got caught!
128
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That wasn't meant to happen!
Don't kill me, don't kill me!
129
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(Sobbing) Oh, it was his...
It was his idea, really.
130
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It ain't my idea.
I didn't wanna be here.
131
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Not live, putz. It's Memorex.
132
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You mean a tape?
133
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Think this guy's gonna pay
for real rent-a-cops?
134
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I hear he squeezes a nickel so hard,
Jefferson's nose comes out the other side.
135
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Come on.
136
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(Bo) "Welcome to 'Lifestyles
of the Rich and Famous'.
137
00:08:34,518 --> 00:08:36,520
"I'm your host, Robin Leach.
138
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"I don't know why." (Laughs)
139
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They gone already, amigo.
140
00:08:54,371 --> 00:08:56,582
Piece of cake, eh?
141
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What do you think?
142
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- How'd they plant that lawn?
- I'm not talking about the garden!
143
00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:06,467
What do you think about the job?
144
00:09:06,592 --> 00:09:08,677
Old Chinese proverb say,
145
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"Rich is the man
who take from other rich man."
146
00:09:11,930 --> 00:09:14,975
Very wise, the Chinese, amigo.
147
00:09:29,156 --> 00:09:30,991
Hi, T.C.
148
00:09:31,116 --> 00:09:33,035
We're in the kitchen.
149
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:36,038
Who the hell leaves his door open,
150
00:09:36,163 --> 00:09:38,582
the alarm off,
and the air conditioner on?
151
00:09:38,707 --> 00:09:42,044
This is very strange, amigo.
152
00:09:43,003 --> 00:09:46,215
Rich people very strange.
They shave their camera.
153
00:09:46,340 --> 00:09:48,425
Sí.
154
00:09:48,550 --> 00:09:50,761
I don't like this, amigo.
155
00:09:50,886 --> 00:09:54,223
Somebody spoil my job,
I get real mad.
156
00:10:10,948 --> 00:10:13,158
- (Doorbell ringing)
- Oh, shit.
157
00:10:13,283 --> 00:10:16,537
- Somebody just said, "Oh, shit."
- it was me, stupid.
158
00:10:16,662 --> 00:10:20,249
- Did you ring the bell, too?
- And how the hell could I do that, huh?
159
00:10:20,374 --> 00:10:23,836
Oh, it must be the police.
We've had it.
160
00:10:23,961 --> 00:10:27,339
When have you ever heard of the police
ringing the doorbell before an arrest?
161
00:10:27,464 --> 00:10:29,842
(Slurping) Yeah.
162
00:10:29,967 --> 00:10:32,761
Hello, this is the gardener.
163
00:10:35,472 --> 00:10:38,308
(Doorbell ringing)
164
00:10:40,269 --> 00:10:42,855
I've come to take care of the lawn.
165
00:10:42,980 --> 00:10:45,482
(Laughing)
166
00:10:49,278 --> 00:10:52,114
See, traveling salesman, maybe.
167
00:10:53,073 --> 00:10:57,161
Yeah, or maybe one of them
Jehovah's Witness dudes.
168
00:10:57,286 --> 00:11:00,914
Whatever.
Anyways, they're gone.
169
00:11:01,039 --> 00:11:04,751
So, relax... Be cool.
170
00:11:04,877 --> 00:11:07,171
Hey, don't worry about me, T.C.
171
00:11:07,296 --> 00:11:10,215
I'm cool. (Grunts)
172
00:11:12,176 --> 00:11:13,802
Just checking, T.C.
173
00:11:13,927 --> 00:11:17,723
You're cool, too.
Doing fine. Perfect.
174
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,779
Gee, T.C.,
175
00:11:32,905 --> 00:11:35,782
every time I saw one of those birds
up in the sky,
176
00:11:35,908 --> 00:11:38,202
I thought they'd look bigger
up close.
177
00:11:38,744 --> 00:11:40,662
Shows you how stupid I am.
178
00:11:43,207 --> 00:11:44,583
Don't touch!
179
00:11:44,708 --> 00:11:46,752
Sure, T.C., no fingerprints.
180
00:11:46,877 --> 00:11:48,170
I remember now.
181
00:12:17,491 --> 00:12:20,577
You feel like being a hero today?
182
00:12:20,702 --> 00:12:22,120
Yeah.
183
00:12:22,246 --> 00:12:24,623
Wanna to do something brave?
184
00:12:24,748 --> 00:12:26,375
OK.
185
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:31,338
I want you to go upstairs and check it out,
and I will wait here.
186
00:12:31,463 --> 00:12:33,131
- Alright.
- Go on.
187
00:12:35,050 --> 00:12:36,969
(Grumbling)
188
00:12:42,891 --> 00:12:44,393
What's the matter?
189
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:47,896
I'm afraid of heights.
190
00:12:48,021 --> 00:12:49,690
Go.
191
00:13:05,747 --> 00:13:07,541
(Gasps)
192
00:13:11,295 --> 00:13:13,630
Godzilla. (Laughs)
193
00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:36,945
(Door handle squeaking)
194
00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:12,105
(Speaking in Chinese)
195
00:14:12,230 --> 00:14:13,231
Glitch.
196
00:14:13,982 --> 00:14:16,151
(Moaning)
197
00:14:16,276 --> 00:14:17,527
Huh?
198
00:14:17,652 --> 00:14:19,279
(Continues to moan)
199
00:14:19,404 --> 00:14:21,323
(Grunts)
200
00:14:23,575 --> 00:14:26,620
(Birds chirping,
cuckoo cuckooing)
201
00:14:31,875 --> 00:14:33,460
Wow!
202
00:14:42,677 --> 00:14:44,471
Ugh!
203
00:15:13,542 --> 00:15:14,751
(Gasps)
204
00:15:16,169 --> 00:15:17,921
(Panting)
205
00:15:27,180 --> 00:15:28,932
(Grunts)
206
00:15:32,477 --> 00:15:34,479
(Gasps)
207
00:15:49,786 --> 00:15:51,872
- Hey!
- What?
208
00:15:51,997 --> 00:15:53,582
Everything OK up there?
209
00:15:55,292 --> 00:15:56,668
Yeah, fine.
210
00:15:58,378 --> 00:16:01,465
- Except there's this guy in the bedroom.
- What?
211
00:16:02,299 --> 00:16:04,843
Kind of a Chinese guy.
He's on the bed.
212
00:16:04,968 --> 00:16:06,678
What is he doing up there?
213
00:16:08,013 --> 00:16:10,056
- Sleeping.
- You ice him?
214
00:16:10,765 --> 00:16:13,435
No, he's not even cold.
215
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,021
Damn! I'm coming up.
216
00:16:16,146 --> 00:16:17,564
Good.
217
00:16:19,399 --> 00:16:22,027
- That was fast.
- Heard you talking to yourself.
218
00:16:22,152 --> 00:16:26,072
(Laughs) I wasn't talking to myself, T.C.,
I was talking to you.
219
00:16:26,198 --> 00:16:27,532
Talking to me when?
220
00:16:27,657 --> 00:16:29,701
Just now, out there.
221
00:16:30,952 --> 00:16:32,078
Oh, Jesus!
222
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:38,376
What'd you do, kill him?
223
00:16:38,502 --> 00:16:41,213
No, and I didn't ice him either.
224
00:16:41,338 --> 00:16:43,340
He was like that when I walked in.
225
00:16:43,465 --> 00:16:45,509
Who the hell is he?
226
00:16:45,634 --> 00:16:48,011
Looks Chinese to me.
227
00:16:48,136 --> 00:16:50,847
Brilliant deduction, Sherlock.
228
00:16:50,972 --> 00:16:52,974
He also looks like a burglar.
229
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:54,267
No shit.
230
00:16:54,392 --> 00:16:55,894
No shit.
231
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,396
Came to rip the place off.
232
00:16:59,773 --> 00:17:02,234
You can't trust anybody these days.
233
00:17:06,279 --> 00:17:08,782
- Somebody cold-cocked him.
- (Moaning)
234
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:10,408
Jesus!
235
00:17:10,534 --> 00:17:12,244
You mean there's somebody else
around here?
236
00:17:12,369 --> 00:17:13,578
It looks that way.
237
00:17:13,703 --> 00:17:16,665
- Well, what do we do?
- Well...
238
00:17:16,790 --> 00:17:20,126
Well, whoever knocked him out
is probably still around here.
239
00:17:20,252 --> 00:17:22,879
- We'd better take off.
- I'm with you.
240
00:17:33,265 --> 00:17:34,558
(Straining)
241
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:57,455
- (Door thuds)
- Argh!
242
00:17:57,581 --> 00:17:59,583
(Whining)
243
00:18:11,261 --> 00:18:12,929
(Door rattling)
244
00:18:13,054 --> 00:18:15,765
- Did you hear that?
- Rats, maybe?
245
00:18:15,890 --> 00:18:17,142
Big rats!
246
00:18:22,647 --> 00:18:24,065
Lee?
247
00:18:26,151 --> 00:18:27,569
Compadre?
248
00:18:33,575 --> 00:18:36,244
- Twenty-five inch.
- Seven.
249
00:18:36,369 --> 00:18:37,787
Feels like one.
250
00:18:37,912 --> 00:18:39,789
Freeze, pendejos!
251
00:18:39,914 --> 00:18:41,625
What's a pendejo, T.C.?
252
00:18:41,750 --> 00:18:44,794
It's a Spanish word, means...
253
00:18:45,587 --> 00:18:48,882
- Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell are you?
254
00:18:49,007 --> 00:18:52,218
- (Bo) Hey, he asked you first.
- Yeah, but I got a gun.
255
00:18:52,802 --> 00:18:54,137
(Todd) Yeah, I'll rephrase that.
256
00:18:54,262 --> 00:18:56,348
Who the hell are you,
and why do you have a gun?
257
00:18:56,473 --> 00:18:59,643
- I... I'm the owner.
- Bullshit, you're Mexican.
258
00:18:59,768 --> 00:19:01,269
I hate stereotypes.
259
00:19:01,394 --> 00:19:03,521
Go ahead, make...
260
00:19:03,647 --> 00:19:05,940
- What's that line, T.C.?
- Day.
261
00:19:06,941 --> 00:19:10,445
Yeah, make my day.
262
00:19:11,196 --> 00:19:13,198
I know, you're a thief.
263
00:19:13,323 --> 00:19:15,825
Nah, I'm Vanna White.
264
00:19:15,950 --> 00:19:17,160
Is he serious?
265
00:19:17,285 --> 00:19:20,288
One more joke out of you, smart-ass,
and you're history!
266
00:19:20,413 --> 00:19:23,083
- You shoot me, I might drop this.
- Don't push it.
267
00:19:23,208 --> 00:19:26,044
Alright, now put this stuff down
nice and easy,
268
00:19:26,169 --> 00:19:28,880
and kiss the floor real slow.
269
00:19:29,881 --> 00:19:31,675
You're just in time, Spencer.
270
00:19:35,261 --> 00:19:36,930
You gotta be kidding me.
271
00:19:37,055 --> 00:19:38,348
Oh, yeah?
272
00:19:38,473 --> 00:19:40,433
What about the shotgun
Spencer's holding?
273
00:19:40,558 --> 00:19:42,769
Am I kidding about that, too?
274
00:19:42,894 --> 00:19:43,937
(Screaming)
275
00:19:44,062 --> 00:19:45,397
(Screaming stops)
276
00:19:45,522 --> 00:19:47,399
(Chuckles)
277
00:19:50,568 --> 00:19:52,195
Not bad.
278
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:55,323
- What?
- The Spencer gag.
279
00:19:55,448 --> 00:19:58,284
Oh! No, Spencer always comes
to the rescue.
280
00:19:58,410 --> 00:20:00,120
First met him when I was three.
281
00:20:00,662 --> 00:20:02,163
Grandma wanted to spank me.
282
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:03,707
(Todd) What happened?
283
00:20:03,832 --> 00:20:07,669
Spencer tripped her,
she hit her head on a chair.
284
00:20:07,794 --> 00:20:09,212
Died a few days later.
285
00:20:13,299 --> 00:20:15,260
A minor glitch.
286
00:20:15,385 --> 00:20:19,597
Gee, T.C.,
you know so many $25 words.
287
00:20:19,723 --> 00:20:20,807
What's a glitch?
288
00:20:20,932 --> 00:20:26,104
It's a small problem, temporary.
It doesn't stop the program from running.
289
00:20:26,229 --> 00:20:28,022
A glitch.
290
00:20:28,148 --> 00:20:30,066
I like that.
291
00:20:31,401 --> 00:20:33,987
This stuff's getting messy.
Let's get outta here.
292
00:20:34,821 --> 00:20:37,282
You know what I think, T.C.?
293
00:20:37,407 --> 00:20:38,950
Tell me what you think.
294
00:20:39,075 --> 00:20:42,996
I think this is getting messy.
Let's get this stuff and get out of here.
295
00:20:43,121 --> 00:20:44,289
Right!
296
00:20:47,876 --> 00:20:49,002
(Thud)
297
00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:02,724
(Screaming)
298
00:21:08,646 --> 00:21:10,982
(Both screaming)
299
00:21:11,107 --> 00:21:13,151
(Grunting, sword whooshing)
300
00:21:51,898 --> 00:21:53,733
Enter the ninja.
301
00:21:56,694 --> 00:21:58,530
Scared you, didn't I?
302
00:21:59,906 --> 00:22:03,326
Forgive me, but I have
such a flair for theatrics.
303
00:22:03,451 --> 00:22:05,787
I just hate anything ordinary.
304
00:22:05,912 --> 00:22:07,831
Hi, I'm Brucie.
305
00:22:07,956 --> 00:22:10,333
You must be Mr. Lazar.
306
00:22:10,458 --> 00:22:12,836
You look awfully young
to be a producer.
307
00:22:12,961 --> 00:22:15,588
You're not one of the Brat Pack,
are you?
308
00:22:15,713 --> 00:22:17,966
- Who?
- My mistake.
309
00:22:18,091 --> 00:22:20,385
Then you must be Mr. Lazar.
310
00:22:20,510 --> 00:22:22,178
- Who's Bigfoot here?
- Uh...
311
00:22:22,303 --> 00:22:23,972
Oh, let me guess.
312
00:22:24,097 --> 00:22:26,140
Oh, of course, silly me!
313
00:22:26,266 --> 00:22:28,226
He's probably your leading man.
314
00:22:28,351 --> 00:22:30,687
Or no, it can't be.
315
00:22:30,812 --> 00:22:32,063
Maybe your director?
316
00:22:32,564 --> 00:22:36,067
Him? No...
Right, um... the director.
317
00:22:37,402 --> 00:22:39,279
Who are you?
318
00:22:39,404 --> 00:22:43,533
Nobody,
just your little old bodyguard.
319
00:22:44,534 --> 00:22:47,787
- Bodyguard?
- Silly, you asked for one.
320
00:22:47,912 --> 00:22:49,831
- I did?
- Here.
321
00:22:52,709 --> 00:22:55,795
2367 Maple Road,
being this place.
322
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:57,922
Mr. Julius Lazar, being you,
323
00:22:58,047 --> 00:23:01,009
Saturday, being today,
1:00pm being now,
324
00:23:01,134 --> 00:23:03,386
auditions for "Sex and Violence,"
being the film,
325
00:23:03,511 --> 00:23:06,180
approximately 100 women,
being the actresses.
326
00:23:06,306 --> 00:23:08,266
See?
It says it all right here.
327
00:23:08,391 --> 00:23:09,601
OK.
328
00:23:09,726 --> 00:23:11,769
And let me tell you, Mr. Lazar...
329
00:23:12,604 --> 00:23:16,190
- Julie... Can I call you Julie?
- Please.
330
00:23:16,316 --> 00:23:18,526
- It's a pleasure to be working for you.
- (Bo grunting)
331
00:23:18,651 --> 00:23:22,697
I know what a frightful bother
all those women can be, mm-hmm!
332
00:23:22,822 --> 00:23:25,617
I have good references,
if you'd like to see them?
333
00:23:25,742 --> 00:23:27,660
That won't be necessary.
334
00:23:27,785 --> 00:23:30,121
My! That's a big one.
335
00:23:30,914 --> 00:23:33,583
- Excuse me?
- The monitor!
336
00:23:33,708 --> 00:23:36,002
Are you using it
for the screen test?
337
00:23:36,127 --> 00:23:39,797
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, let me help.
338
00:23:41,883 --> 00:23:44,135
That's good.
339
00:23:45,887 --> 00:23:47,889
Are you coming or what?
340
00:23:56,272 --> 00:23:58,650
Oh, dear! It's getting late.
It's all my fault.
341
00:23:58,775 --> 00:23:59,901
What could I do?
342
00:24:00,026 --> 00:24:02,028
My hairdresser's appointments
were all screwed up,
343
00:24:02,153 --> 00:24:04,280
and then that nasty traffic on Sunset!
344
00:24:06,991 --> 00:24:09,285
Sleeping on the job again,
ey, Julio?
345
00:24:09,410 --> 00:24:11,037
Who is he, anyway?
346
00:24:11,162 --> 00:24:12,872
Um...
347
00:24:13,915 --> 00:24:15,249
...the gardener.
348
00:24:15,375 --> 00:24:17,460
He's... He was...
He was watering these plants,
349
00:24:17,585 --> 00:24:20,755
- and he slipped and hit his head on the tile.
- I see.
350
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:22,882
Why don't you run along
and get tidied up.
351
00:24:23,007 --> 00:24:26,719
Better yet, why don't I come along
and take care of your wardrobe for you?
352
00:24:27,887 --> 00:24:30,556
(♪ Humming)
353
00:24:30,682 --> 00:24:34,769
Let's find a big closet for this guy
until we can lose the marshmallow.
354
00:25:02,046 --> 00:25:03,381
(Brucie) Excuse me!
355
00:25:03,506 --> 00:25:05,216
Look what I found.
356
00:25:06,801 --> 00:25:10,555
You must let me clean your closet
one day, Mr. Lazar.
357
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,399
Another glitch, T.C.?
358
00:25:21,524 --> 00:25:24,193
Chill out, dude, it's alright.
359
00:25:26,821 --> 00:25:29,073
I tried to find something quiet.
360
00:25:29,198 --> 00:25:30,950
There, you're all set.
361
00:25:31,075 --> 00:25:33,578
I'll make some espresso
while you're getting dressed.
362
00:25:33,703 --> 00:25:38,332
♪ Volare, oh, oh ♪
363
00:25:55,767 --> 00:25:58,936
This guy, Lazar,
stands for everything that I hate.
364
00:25:59,854 --> 00:26:02,190
I look awesome.
365
00:26:02,315 --> 00:26:05,401
I'm a director. I'm a director!
366
00:26:05,526 --> 00:26:07,445
What's a director do anyway?
367
00:26:07,570 --> 00:26:10,573
You are not a director,
and I am not a producer.
368
00:26:10,698 --> 00:26:11,866
What are we, then?
369
00:26:11,991 --> 00:26:16,037
- (Brucie) ♪ Volare, oh, oh ♪
- We're outta here.
370
00:26:20,083 --> 00:26:21,584
(Man) Freeze, assholes!
371
00:26:26,964 --> 00:26:29,217
Don't move.
372
00:26:29,342 --> 00:26:33,513
Put your hands over your heads
and turn slowly.
373
00:26:33,638 --> 00:26:36,390
Very, very slowly.
374
00:26:41,312 --> 00:26:44,273
What the hell do you think
you are doing?
375
00:26:44,398 --> 00:26:45,942
Very funny.
376
00:26:46,067 --> 00:26:50,863
Not to me, it isn't, Officer Hormone,
or whatever your name is.
377
00:26:50,988 --> 00:26:54,367
Oh, you come onto my property,
and you stick a gun in my face,
378
00:26:54,492 --> 00:26:56,369
without any show of a warrant,
you know?
379
00:26:56,494 --> 00:26:59,872
I have a good mind to call the mayor
and have you transferred to Pacoima
380
00:26:59,997 --> 00:27:01,999
or some other place suitable for your ilk.
381
00:27:02,125 --> 00:27:06,337
What do you... What do you mean,
"your property"? Who are you?
382
00:27:06,462 --> 00:27:08,881
I am Julius Lazar, Sherlock.
383
00:27:09,006 --> 00:27:11,717
The Julius Lazar.
384
00:27:11,843 --> 00:27:13,886
Yeah, and you're a glitch.
385
00:27:14,011 --> 00:27:16,597
What were you doing
coming down that wall like that?
386
00:27:18,641 --> 00:27:20,476
What was I doing
coming down that wall?
387
00:27:21,978 --> 00:27:22,979
Would you listen to this putz?
388
00:27:23,104 --> 00:27:26,482
He wants to know what I was doing
coming down this wall.
389
00:27:26,607 --> 00:27:30,528
Well, I will tell you what I was doing
coming down this wall, for your information.
390
00:27:30,653 --> 00:27:34,448
I was... I was... I was testing
the safety of a stunt,
391
00:27:34,574 --> 00:27:36,617
you know, for my upcoming movie.
392
00:27:36,742 --> 00:27:38,870
You have heard of the movies,
haven't you?
393
00:27:40,079 --> 00:27:42,123
Well, safety comes first on my pictures,
394
00:27:42,248 --> 00:27:45,626
'cause I wouldn't have anybody do anything
that I would not do myself.
395
00:27:45,751 --> 00:27:48,421
So, that's what I was doing.
Now, it is your turn.
396
00:27:49,922 --> 00:27:53,676
Sorry, Mr. Lazar,
I didn't figure you'd be quite so young.
397
00:27:53,801 --> 00:27:57,722
Chief didn't tell me you
were one of the Brat Pack.
398
00:27:57,847 --> 00:27:59,432
Common mistake, now get on with it.
399
00:27:59,557 --> 00:28:05,563
Yes, sir. I was on my usual patrol,
and I noticed a car parked on your property.
400
00:28:05,688 --> 00:28:10,943
Routine investigation showed it belonged
to a Paco Galendo.
401
00:28:12,904 --> 00:28:15,448
- Your gardener, sir.
- Oh, him.
402
00:28:15,573 --> 00:28:17,617
You were right, T.C.,
he was a gardener.
403
00:28:17,742 --> 00:28:20,578
We're led to believe he may have teamed up
with some other local gardeners
404
00:28:20,703 --> 00:28:22,163
against their employers.
405
00:28:22,288 --> 00:28:24,832
Sort of a green thumb gang.
406
00:28:24,957 --> 00:28:26,584
I'd like to ask him
a few questions, if I may.
407
00:28:26,709 --> 00:28:30,171
Oh, well, Paco's out right now.
408
00:28:30,296 --> 00:28:31,881
Yeah, I haven't seen him all day.
409
00:28:32,006 --> 00:28:34,508
I doubt he'd show his face
with you around here, sir.
410
00:28:34,634 --> 00:28:35,718
We'll keep an eye out.
411
00:28:35,843 --> 00:28:37,136
Yeah, you do that.
412
00:28:37,261 --> 00:28:41,098
Alright, if you see anything,
give the station a call.
413
00:28:41,766 --> 00:28:43,935
- Thank you.
- I'll be in the neighborhood.
414
00:28:44,060 --> 00:28:46,479
- I was afraid of that.
- Excuse me?
415
00:28:46,604 --> 00:28:48,397
I said, "I was expecting that."
416
00:28:48,522 --> 00:28:52,401
To protect and serve,
that's what we're here for, Mr. Lazar.
417
00:29:00,326 --> 00:29:01,744
(Sofa squeaks)
418
00:29:01,869 --> 00:29:06,082
Murphy's law!
"Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."
419
00:29:06,207 --> 00:29:07,750
You know what I think, T.C.?
420
00:29:07,875 --> 00:29:10,628
You probably think that anything
that can go wrong will go wrong.
421
00:29:10,753 --> 00:29:14,632
Wow! Sometimes,
I swear you're reading my mind.
422
00:29:15,925 --> 00:29:19,136
- Maybe it's not such bad luck after all.
- Nah.
423
00:29:19,262 --> 00:29:21,973
I mean, maybe we can make the most
of our current misfortune.
424
00:29:22,098 --> 00:29:23,140
Yeah.
425
00:29:23,266 --> 00:29:25,434
- Look on the bright side.
- Yeah?
426
00:29:25,559 --> 00:29:27,853
- We got a fantastic house.
- Yeah.
427
00:29:27,979 --> 00:29:30,690
- We have a bodyguard of sorts.
- Yeah.
428
00:29:30,815 --> 00:29:33,776
And we have 100 women
waiting in line to see us.
429
00:29:33,901 --> 00:29:35,236
Yeah!
430
00:29:35,361 --> 00:29:38,447
What do you say, Neanderthal?
Wanna be a big shot?
431
00:29:38,572 --> 00:29:40,783
Well, I thought we were supposed
to rip this guy off.
432
00:29:40,908 --> 00:29:43,953
That's what we're doing.
I mean, the guy is tacky and he's cheap,
433
00:29:44,078 --> 00:29:45,913
a certified asshole.
434
00:29:46,038 --> 00:29:48,499
In a nutshell,
it couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
435
00:29:48,624 --> 00:29:50,918
This is Julius Lazar.
436
00:29:51,043 --> 00:29:53,087
I'm having some guests over
at the mansion today,
437
00:29:53,212 --> 00:29:55,589
and I'm going to need
some top-notch catering.
438
00:29:55,715 --> 00:29:57,800
Money is no object.
439
00:29:57,925 --> 00:30:00,553
Let me give you
my American Express card number.
440
00:30:10,479 --> 00:30:13,316
That's 100 guests and 200 bottles.
441
00:30:13,441 --> 00:30:16,152
And don't try to sell me
that California shit,
442
00:30:16,277 --> 00:30:18,654
Dom Perignon will be fine.
443
00:30:18,779 --> 00:30:21,407
Now, let me give you
my American Express card number.
444
00:30:21,532 --> 00:30:23,534
(Both groaning)
445
00:30:30,499 --> 00:30:33,127
(♪ THOMAS MAROLDA:
"In California")
446
00:30:48,768 --> 00:30:50,728
♪ In California
447
00:30:52,688 --> 00:30:53,856
♪ In California... ♪
448
00:30:53,981 --> 00:30:56,192
Yo, I'm gonna park this piece of shit,
get the next car coming up, alright?
449
00:30:56,317 --> 00:30:57,860
- OK. OK.
- (Tires screeching)
450
00:30:57,985 --> 00:31:01,280
♪ Something sad
about the way you look
451
00:31:04,825 --> 00:31:06,869
♪ About the way you act
452
00:31:06,994 --> 00:31:09,455
♪ ls clearly understood
453
00:31:12,958 --> 00:31:15,044
♪ The violent way you shake me
454
00:31:15,961 --> 00:31:18,172
♪ if I'm dreaming
455
00:31:20,424 --> 00:31:23,386
♪ I never saw no one like this
456
00:31:23,511 --> 00:31:26,263
♪ Since I've been breathing
457
00:31:29,141 --> 00:31:31,310
♪ In California
458
00:31:33,104 --> 00:31:36,399
♪ In California
459
00:31:37,274 --> 00:31:40,736
♪ Out here the sun shines
460
00:31:41,445 --> 00:31:44,156
♪ For me and you
461
00:31:45,491 --> 00:31:48,077
♪ Out here we got time
462
00:31:49,161 --> 00:31:52,373
♪ For all the things
we always wanted to do
463
00:31:53,290 --> 00:31:55,459
♪ In California
464
00:31:57,211 --> 00:32:00,256
♪ In California
465
00:32:01,090 --> 00:32:05,886
♪ Oh, girl, must be sad
about the things you do... ♪
466
00:32:06,011 --> 00:32:08,013
(Women chattering)
467
00:32:09,348 --> 00:32:15,062
♪ I want to walk you
up and down the avenue
468
00:32:17,356 --> 00:32:20,526
♪ Somebody help me, tell me
469
00:32:20,651 --> 00:32:23,154
♪ That I'm dreaming
470
00:32:24,905 --> 00:32:27,908
♪ I've never found no one like you
471
00:32:28,033 --> 00:32:30,327
♪ Since I've been breathing
472
00:32:33,539 --> 00:32:35,207
♪ In California... ♪
473
00:32:35,332 --> 00:32:37,501
(Women chattering)
474
00:32:37,626 --> 00:32:41,338
♪ In California
475
00:32:42,006 --> 00:32:44,717
♪ Out here the sun shines
476
00:32:46,010 --> 00:32:47,845
♪ For me and you... ♪
477
00:32:47,970 --> 00:32:49,305
Oh, yeah, you're fine.
478
00:32:49,430 --> 00:32:51,015
Oh, here, here.
479
00:32:51,140 --> 00:32:55,519
I was taking a class in motivation,
but I guess I wasn't motivated enough.
480
00:32:55,644 --> 00:32:57,813
The only motivation I need's
a paycheck, honey.
481
00:32:57,938 --> 00:33:00,691
(Laughs) Well, you really
should have been there.
482
00:33:00,816 --> 00:33:04,153
I mean, Dustin, Warren, Jane,
you know?
483
00:33:04,278 --> 00:33:06,113
They were all so wonderful!
484
00:33:06,238 --> 00:33:07,781
I mean, I'm there twice a week.
485
00:33:07,907 --> 00:33:10,910
Yeah, the food sucks,
but the connections, well...
486
00:33:11,035 --> 00:33:13,037
My manager told me
not to go up for this,
487
00:33:13,162 --> 00:33:15,456
but my agent said I was perfect
for one of the parts.
488
00:33:15,581 --> 00:33:16,874
Well, I talked to my lawyer,
489
00:33:16,999 --> 00:33:19,585
and he said I would be better off
taking my agent's advice,
490
00:33:19,710 --> 00:33:22,588
even though my analyst said
I really should get out of this business.
491
00:33:25,466 --> 00:33:27,301
Showtime, folks.
492
00:33:38,020 --> 00:33:43,234
Personally, I hate the chauvinistic portrayal
of women in films, my own included.
493
00:33:43,359 --> 00:33:47,446
You might say
that I'm a born again producer.
494
00:33:47,571 --> 00:33:49,323
Nudity is important,
495
00:33:49,448 --> 00:33:53,160
but here it is part of a sensitive,
compassionate story.
496
00:33:53,285 --> 00:33:56,914
See, there's nothing wrong with nudity,
if it is done in good taste.
497
00:33:57,039 --> 00:33:59,291
We are talking X, of course.
498
00:33:59,416 --> 00:34:03,587
(Sighs) Well, OK,
but only if I have lines.
499
00:34:14,890 --> 00:34:16,183
Impressive.
500
00:34:16,308 --> 00:34:21,021
You've got talent, you've got passion,
you've got great tits, you're hired.
501
00:34:23,607 --> 00:34:27,194
So, how do you want it, bitch?
502
00:34:28,779 --> 00:34:31,574
No, please, for God's sakes.
503
00:34:31,699 --> 00:34:33,075
Next!
504
00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:34,868
And what is your name?
505
00:34:34,994 --> 00:34:37,580
My name is Chernobyl!
506
00:34:37,705 --> 00:34:40,457
And what is it that you do,
Chernobyl?
507
00:34:41,375 --> 00:34:42,668
Well...
508
00:34:42,793 --> 00:34:45,170
(Chernobyl cackling, shrieking)
509
00:34:48,215 --> 00:34:50,092
(Laughing)
510
00:34:52,845 --> 00:34:54,388
Next!
511
00:34:54,513 --> 00:34:58,058
So, you thought you could fool
Ludwig van Hoven with a cheap imitation?
512
00:34:58,183 --> 00:35:01,729
You break into my palace with nothing
but a chunk of worthless glass.
513
00:35:01,854 --> 00:35:03,147
Do I go on?
514
00:35:03,272 --> 00:35:07,026
So, how do you want it, bitch?
515
00:35:07,151 --> 00:35:08,777
No...
516
00:35:08,902 --> 00:35:11,530
For God's sakes,
stay away from me.
517
00:35:11,655 --> 00:35:13,032
Next!
518
00:35:13,157 --> 00:35:16,327
I will do for you a scene
from Romeo and Juliet.
519
00:35:19,413 --> 00:35:21,498
Romeo! Ach, Romeo!
520
00:35:21,624 --> 00:35:23,542
Warum bist du Romeo?
521
00:35:23,667 --> 00:35:26,253
Trenn dich von deinem Vater,
deinem Namen.
522
00:35:26,378 --> 00:35:28,589
Und wenn du das nicht willst,
schwöre mir Liebe.
523
00:35:28,714 --> 00:35:30,591
Can you pick it up a little bit,
please?
524
00:35:30,716 --> 00:35:32,885
The hostile thing about you is empty,
a name.
525
00:35:33,010 --> 00:35:36,138
You yourself are everything,
a Montague doesn't. Romeo!
526
00:35:36,263 --> 00:35:38,182
Montague is just words,
not hand, not foot,
527
00:35:38,307 --> 00:35:40,934
not arm and face or any other part,
that makes a person.
528
00:35:41,060 --> 00:35:42,603
(Together) Romeo!
529
00:35:42,728 --> 00:35:44,438
A flower smells,
which we call rose.
530
00:35:44,563 --> 00:35:46,273
She no longer smelled,
if it were called something else?
531
00:35:46,398 --> 00:35:48,108
Is he just Romeo,
because his name is Romeo?
532
00:35:48,233 --> 00:35:50,402
Romeo!
533
00:35:50,527 --> 00:35:52,529
-Oh!
- (Woman panting)
534
00:35:53,322 --> 00:35:55,949
Sorry, I got it, I guess...
I guess I got carried away.
535
00:35:56,075 --> 00:35:58,327
Can... Can you go back
and do that last part again?
536
00:35:58,452 --> 00:36:00,412
It's... It's just for me.
537
00:36:04,249 --> 00:36:06,168
Hi, my name is Tawnee,
538
00:36:06,293 --> 00:36:10,130
and you're gonna love this act.
It's very, very hot.
539
00:36:28,023 --> 00:36:29,692
Ugh!
540
00:36:37,658 --> 00:36:39,243
Next!
541
00:36:39,368 --> 00:36:41,704
Have you been in the movies before,
Barbara?
542
00:36:41,829 --> 00:36:43,747
Uh, parts of me. (Giggles)
543
00:36:43,872 --> 00:36:45,249
Uh, do you have an agent?
544
00:36:45,374 --> 00:36:47,793
Oh, I'm between agents right now.
545
00:36:47,918 --> 00:36:49,670
Any special skills
we should know about?
546
00:36:49,795 --> 00:36:52,756
Yes, I make edible flowers.
547
00:36:52,881 --> 00:36:54,591
(Crunching)
548
00:36:55,300 --> 00:36:57,136
Cut! Ugh...
549
00:37:00,931 --> 00:37:02,099
Next!
550
00:37:03,225 --> 00:37:05,477
Anna, parenthesis...
551
00:37:06,812 --> 00:37:08,731
...teeth clenched.
552
00:37:08,856 --> 00:37:10,107
Parenthesis.
553
00:37:10,232 --> 00:37:13,026
No, honey, those are stage directions.
You don't read those.
554
00:37:13,152 --> 00:37:15,028
Oh, I'm sorry.
555
00:37:17,114 --> 00:37:18,907
She crosses to the window.
556
00:37:19,032 --> 00:37:20,951
Are you over five eight?
557
00:37:21,076 --> 00:37:22,870
Actually, I'm five nine.
558
00:37:22,995 --> 00:37:24,621
Great, you're hired.
559
00:37:24,747 --> 00:37:25,748
Next!
560
00:37:25,873 --> 00:37:27,916
Let's see, you are...?
561
00:37:28,041 --> 00:37:29,251
Michelle Wong.
562
00:37:29,376 --> 00:37:30,878
Is your sister here today?
563
00:37:31,295 --> 00:37:32,504
I don't have a sister.
564
00:37:32,629 --> 00:37:35,591
That's just as well.
Two Wongs don't make a white.
565
00:37:35,716 --> 00:37:37,384
(Men laughing)
566
00:37:38,218 --> 00:37:41,138
My agent sent me here
against my best judgment.
567
00:37:41,263 --> 00:37:44,349
- Mm, we're not casting "Chinatown".
- (Men chuckling)
568
00:37:44,475 --> 00:37:48,687
Mr. Lazar, before coming here,
I sat through six hours of your films.
569
00:37:48,812 --> 00:37:50,230
I'm flattered.
570
00:37:50,355 --> 00:37:51,607
Don't be.
571
00:37:51,732 --> 00:37:55,694
I found them tasteless, exploitive,
full of adolescent humor,
572
00:37:55,819 --> 00:37:58,363
and sleazily preoccupied with T and A.
573
00:37:58,489 --> 00:38:00,699
I admire your straightforwardness.
574
00:38:00,824 --> 00:38:05,078
Usually, I don't have the luxury
of passing on auditions,
575
00:38:05,204 --> 00:38:06,705
but this is a travesty.
576
00:38:06,830 --> 00:38:10,417
- Now, now, dear, don't get abusive.
- No, it's alright, Brucie.
577
00:38:10,542 --> 00:38:13,045
- This is interesting.
- Yeah, chill out, dude.
578
00:38:13,170 --> 00:38:17,049
When was the last time you had
a decent performance in one of your films?
579
00:38:17,841 --> 00:38:19,593
Do you even talk to actors?
580
00:38:19,718 --> 00:38:23,597
Talk? Endlessly!
I talk to Jack Nicholson every other day.
581
00:38:25,265 --> 00:38:29,770
Jack Nicholson wouldn't tell you
what time it was if his life depended on it.
582
00:38:29,895 --> 00:38:33,482
Lady, come on, now,
you're starting to hurt my feelings.
583
00:38:33,607 --> 00:38:34,733
What feelings?
584
00:38:34,858 --> 00:38:36,985
Should I throw her out now,
Mr. Lazar?
585
00:38:37,110 --> 00:38:40,280
Save your triceps, Lucy,
I'll walk.
586
00:38:47,746 --> 00:38:48,747
Ms. Wong...
587
00:38:49,915 --> 00:38:51,500
I think you're wonderful.
588
00:38:53,961 --> 00:38:56,421
Bitch! She called me Lucy.
589
00:38:56,547 --> 00:38:58,048
(Chattering)
590
00:39:00,133 --> 00:39:01,677
That's a wrap, everyone.
591
00:39:01,802 --> 00:39:03,971
There's snacks if you want,
and the pool awaits.
592
00:39:04,096 --> 00:39:06,807
We'll be announcing the names
of our leading ladies very soon.
593
00:39:08,016 --> 00:39:09,393
(Cheering)
594
00:39:09,518 --> 00:39:11,520
So, relax and enjoy yourselves.
595
00:39:11,645 --> 00:39:14,773
Invite your friends,
invite your agents and other animals.
596
00:39:14,898 --> 00:39:16,024
Invite your managers.
597
00:39:16,149 --> 00:39:19,820
Invite your family, cats, dogs, illegal aliens,
Colombian drug dealers.
598
00:39:19,945 --> 00:39:24,366
Julius Lazar has turned Crazy Eddie!
It's a freebie!
599
00:39:24,491 --> 00:39:26,785
(Cheering)
600
00:39:33,083 --> 00:39:36,545
God, I love this business.
601
00:39:36,670 --> 00:39:39,381
(♪ THOMAS MAROLDA:
"That's Life")
602
00:39:45,888 --> 00:39:47,472
♪ Ba, da-ba-dup
603
00:39:48,265 --> 00:39:51,476
♪ Ba-da-dum,
ba-da-da, da-da-dum
604
00:39:53,604 --> 00:39:56,815
- ♪ I woke up
- ♪ I woke up
605
00:39:56,940 --> 00:40:00,944
- ♪ On the wrong side of bed
- ♪ On the wrong side of bed
606
00:40:01,069 --> 00:40:04,573
- ♪ You try to do right
- ♪ You try to do right
607
00:40:04,698 --> 00:40:08,952
♪ Where your heart's being led, yeah
608
00:40:09,077 --> 00:40:10,787
♪ Bending rules
609
00:40:12,915 --> 00:40:15,709
♪ I'll get where I'm going
610
00:40:16,460 --> 00:40:18,086
♪ You're a rebel tonight
611
00:40:20,213 --> 00:40:23,425
♪ I'm dressed,
and you know it's showing
612
00:40:24,718 --> 00:40:27,304
- ♪ Baby
- ♪ That's life ♪
613
00:40:28,263 --> 00:40:31,350
(Putting on foreign accent)
Good afternoon, this is Franz Kafka,
614
00:40:31,475 --> 00:40:34,436
personal assistant
to Mr. Julius Lazar.
615
00:40:34,561 --> 00:40:37,731
I'm calling in reference
to Michelle Wong.
616
00:40:39,650 --> 00:40:41,652
Why, yes, Mr. Adams.
617
00:40:43,070 --> 00:40:47,032
Oh, no, Mr. Lazar
was very impressed with her.
618
00:40:47,157 --> 00:40:50,911
Unfortunately,
she left rather prematurely,
619
00:40:51,036 --> 00:40:53,538
and we really could not
evaluate her talent.
620
00:40:54,665 --> 00:40:57,459
Oh, we're very sorry about it, too.
621
00:40:57,584 --> 00:40:59,461
Uh...
622
00:40:59,586 --> 00:41:06,468
No, Mr. Lazar is very, very serious
about considering her for one of the leads,
623
00:41:06,593 --> 00:41:07,844
I kid you not.
624
00:41:07,970 --> 00:41:09,638
No, I will...
625
00:41:09,763 --> 00:41:13,684
Not at all. We just need to communicate
with her directly.
626
00:41:28,407 --> 00:41:30,325
So, Mr. Big Shot,
627
00:41:30,450 --> 00:41:32,119
what'd you think of my reading?
628
00:41:32,953 --> 00:41:36,707
It was pretty, pretty clear.
629
00:41:36,832 --> 00:41:38,500
Do you think I have a chance?
630
00:41:38,625 --> 00:41:41,628
Oh, sure...
Sure, you got a chance.
631
00:41:41,753 --> 00:41:43,046
One of the leads?
632
00:41:43,630 --> 00:41:44,881
Two, maybe.
633
00:41:45,007 --> 00:41:46,425
Is that a deal?
634
00:41:46,550 --> 00:41:48,760
Oh no, I can't make deals.
635
00:41:48,885 --> 00:41:50,178
Who does?
636
00:41:50,887 --> 00:41:52,264
Mr. Lazar.
637
00:41:52,389 --> 00:41:55,392
You wouldn't happen to know
where he might be right now, would you?
638
00:41:56,518 --> 00:41:59,021
Ms. Wong, Michelle.
639
00:41:59,146 --> 00:42:01,481
May I call you Michelle?
640
00:42:01,606 --> 00:42:06,570
Michelle, what do you say
we put up the white flag a second here, huh?
641
00:42:06,695 --> 00:42:10,490
Remember, I am the one
who has been called to the carpet,
642
00:42:10,615 --> 00:42:14,244
whose name and reputation
have been publicly maligned here,
643
00:42:14,369 --> 00:42:17,497
and yet I am calling you.
644
00:42:17,622 --> 00:42:20,459
Now, what does that say about me?
645
00:42:20,584 --> 00:42:23,879
Uh, I'm sorry,
that's the wrong answer.
646
00:42:24,004 --> 00:42:25,922
I am not an asshole.
647
00:42:26,048 --> 00:42:30,510
See, people get that impression
from me because of my films.
648
00:42:30,635 --> 00:42:34,389
You know, that... that age-old dichotomy
between life and art.
649
00:42:34,514 --> 00:42:36,183
What can I say?
650
00:42:36,975 --> 00:42:41,063
All I'm asking for
is the chance to prove
651
00:42:41,188 --> 00:42:45,692
that beneath the cheap, sleazy surface
of my movies,
652
00:42:45,817 --> 00:42:48,028
call them P movies, if you will,
653
00:42:48,153 --> 00:42:53,950
but there lies a warm,
wonderful, intelligent,
654
00:42:54,076 --> 00:42:57,329
and yes, sensitive human being.
655
00:42:58,413 --> 00:43:01,374
Oh, I know you didn't mean
to hurt me.
656
00:43:01,500 --> 00:43:04,086
You were only speaking your mind,
657
00:43:04,211 --> 00:43:07,589
and I like my leading ladies
to be independent.
658
00:43:09,382 --> 00:43:12,177
Sure, we can talk about it.
659
00:43:12,302 --> 00:43:14,638
The least I can do, right?
660
00:43:14,763 --> 00:43:18,433
Um, how about an hour
here at the house?
661
00:43:19,684 --> 00:43:21,603
Perfettamente.
662
00:43:21,728 --> 00:43:24,898
I am looking forward
to seeing you again.
663
00:43:25,023 --> 00:43:27,359
À bientôt.
664
00:43:27,484 --> 00:43:30,445
♪ You make the change,
you make me understand
665
00:43:31,279 --> 00:43:33,115
♪ You make me feel... ♪
666
00:43:43,083 --> 00:43:45,377
Yeah!
667
00:43:45,502 --> 00:43:47,462
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
668
00:43:50,715 --> 00:43:52,175
Hi!
669
00:43:54,553 --> 00:43:56,763
I hope I haven't caught you
at a bad moment?
670
00:43:57,514 --> 00:43:59,432
What... No, uh...
671
00:44:00,016 --> 00:44:01,351
(Chuckles) No!
672
00:44:01,476 --> 00:44:03,520
You look pretty excited.
673
00:44:03,645 --> 00:44:07,691
No, I was, you know,
rehearsing a scene.
674
00:44:07,816 --> 00:44:09,568
If you bought it,
it must be pretty good.
675
00:44:10,277 --> 00:44:13,947
I love a man who's passionate
about his work.
676
00:44:16,199 --> 00:44:20,662
I'm passionate about everything
I put my mind to,
677
00:44:20,787 --> 00:44:22,122
and I'm good.
678
00:44:23,999 --> 00:44:25,750
Real good.
679
00:44:34,426 --> 00:44:36,428
Uh-huh, uh...
680
00:44:41,391 --> 00:44:42,559
Uh... (Chuckling)
681
00:44:42,684 --> 00:44:43,894
(Man) Om...
682
00:44:45,020 --> 00:44:46,563
Om...
683
00:44:47,355 --> 00:44:48,815
Om...
684
00:44:49,858 --> 00:44:51,610
Hi there, handsome.
685
00:44:52,360 --> 00:44:54,196
Handsome?
686
00:44:54,321 --> 00:44:55,780
I don't think we've met.
687
00:44:55,906 --> 00:44:57,490
I'm Brucie.
688
00:44:58,575 --> 00:45:01,119
Ooh, that's nice.
689
00:45:01,244 --> 00:45:02,621
You wanna go steady?
690
00:45:02,746 --> 00:45:05,665
You were born
under the sign of Scorpio,
691
00:45:05,790 --> 00:45:11,296
November 22nd, 1958, 4:33am.
692
00:45:12,339 --> 00:45:16,301
If you're so smart,
then tell me my social security number.
693
00:45:16,426 --> 00:45:24,976
102-03-4713.
694
00:45:26,186 --> 00:45:29,105
Dear me, you are psychic.
695
00:45:29,231 --> 00:45:31,816
And a hip hypnotist.
696
00:45:31,942 --> 00:45:34,653
- The best.
- I bet you are.
697
00:45:34,778 --> 00:45:37,072
There's somebody here
you have to meet.
698
00:45:38,406 --> 00:45:40,533
Come here, come on!
699
00:45:40,659 --> 00:45:42,953
(Bo) Oh, come on.
700
00:45:43,078 --> 00:45:45,121
(Bo chuckles)
701
00:45:45,247 --> 00:45:49,209
- (Brucie) Bo?
- Oh, hi, Brucie. You wanna talk to me?
702
00:45:49,334 --> 00:45:51,753
- (Brucie) Yeah, come here, cupcakes.
- I gotta go.
703
00:45:59,052 --> 00:46:02,180
- This is our director.
- What?
704
00:46:02,305 --> 00:46:05,600
- I would have thought an agent.
- Really? Why?
705
00:46:05,725 --> 00:46:09,521
His IQ is exceeded
by that of the average cucumber.
706
00:46:09,646 --> 00:46:12,691
- What did he say?
- You wouldn't understand.
707
00:46:12,816 --> 00:46:14,985
I probably wouldn't understand anyway.
708
00:46:15,110 --> 00:46:17,153
We must talk for a moment.
709
00:46:17,279 --> 00:46:20,156
Come, let's find a quiet place.
710
00:46:20,282 --> 00:46:22,033
Hey, you're not gay, are you?
711
00:46:25,078 --> 00:46:26,913
Just relax.
712
00:46:27,038 --> 00:46:29,666
(Inhales, then exhales)
713
00:46:29,791 --> 00:46:30,875
Good.
714
00:46:31,501 --> 00:46:34,421
Watch my eyes.
Concentrate.
715
00:46:35,422 --> 00:46:41,928
I'm going to penetrate those layers of muscle
and rejuvenate that long dormant mind.
716
00:46:43,388 --> 00:46:45,056
Do you see this?
717
00:46:45,181 --> 00:46:48,852
Yeah, it's 4:25.
718
00:46:48,977 --> 00:46:50,854
Well, at least you can tell time.
719
00:46:58,987 --> 00:47:01,781
It's easy, you can do it, too.
720
00:47:01,906 --> 00:47:04,826
When Mickey's little hand
is on the four,
721
00:47:04,951 --> 00:47:07,620
and his big hand is on the five...
722
00:47:14,210 --> 00:47:18,423
Good, good.
That's very good, Bo.
723
00:47:18,548 --> 00:47:22,302
Now, I'm going to take you back
into time,
724
00:47:22,427 --> 00:47:26,389
deep into your past,
into your childhood.
725
00:47:26,514 --> 00:47:30,143
Back to the point
when you were three years old.
726
00:47:34,647 --> 00:47:36,274
(Boyish voice) Spencer!
727
00:47:36,399 --> 00:47:39,110
Who? Who is Spencer?
728
00:47:39,235 --> 00:47:44,491
Spencer, friend.
Spencer, my friend.
729
00:47:45,033 --> 00:47:48,495
Good!
Let's talk about this Spencer.
730
00:47:49,371 --> 00:47:50,455
(Normal voice) OK.
731
00:47:51,831 --> 00:47:55,627
Spencer.
Let's talk about this Spencer.
732
00:47:55,752 --> 00:47:57,796
Are they sag or non-sag?
733
00:47:57,921 --> 00:48:00,006
Non-sag, definitely.
734
00:48:00,131 --> 00:48:02,967
- I wish mine were.
- You should see my surgeon.
735
00:48:03,093 --> 00:48:04,928
- Is he good?
- The best.
736
00:48:05,053 --> 00:48:08,139
But it's only a temporary thing.
He really wants to write and direct.
737
00:48:08,264 --> 00:48:11,726
- Listen to me, Bo.
- (Boyish voice) Listen.
738
00:48:11,851 --> 00:48:14,604
I'm going to bring you
back to the present now.
739
00:48:14,729 --> 00:48:15,980
Otay!
740
00:48:16,106 --> 00:48:19,401
When I bring you back, Bo,
you will be a new man.
741
00:48:20,151 --> 00:48:21,736
Sharp. (Chuckles)
742
00:48:22,904 --> 00:48:24,697
Witty. (Chuckles)
743
00:48:26,491 --> 00:48:28,451
Intelligent. (Chuckles)
744
00:48:29,452 --> 00:48:34,332
The kind of kid you used to be
before Spencer came along.
745
00:48:34,457 --> 00:48:36,209
Spencer's gone now.
746
00:48:36,334 --> 00:48:38,002
No more Spencer.
747
00:48:38,920 --> 00:48:40,380
Spencer bad.
748
00:48:40,505 --> 00:48:41,965
Spencer stupid.
749
00:48:42,090 --> 00:48:44,592
Now, when you hear this sound...
750
00:48:45,927 --> 00:48:49,431
...your natural intellect
will come back to you.
751
00:48:49,556 --> 00:48:51,683
Now, on three.
752
00:48:51,808 --> 00:48:53,768
One, two...
753
00:48:53,893 --> 00:48:55,979
(Knocking on door)
754
00:48:58,857 --> 00:49:01,359
(Normal voice)
Hey, that was great, Mr. Mookie.
755
00:49:01,484 --> 00:49:02,902
Can I go now?
756
00:49:03,027 --> 00:49:05,780
There's a lot of women around here,
and I need to get laid.
757
00:49:06,781 --> 00:49:07,782
Thanks.
758
00:49:16,458 --> 00:49:18,376
What the hell is this?
759
00:49:25,800 --> 00:49:27,218
Do come in.
760
00:49:28,803 --> 00:49:32,515
Hi.
Um, we're looking for Mr. Lazar.
761
00:49:32,640 --> 00:49:35,101
You can speak with me,
I'm the director.
762
00:49:35,226 --> 00:49:39,272
Great! Um, my agent's here at the party
and wants to talk to you.
763
00:49:39,397 --> 00:49:41,024
Oh, I'm Kathy.
764
00:49:41,149 --> 00:49:42,734
Hello.
765
00:49:42,859 --> 00:49:45,195
I'm Donna, her best friend.
766
00:49:45,320 --> 00:49:47,280
Charmed, I'm sure.
767
00:49:48,239 --> 00:49:50,533
- Shall we?
- Sure.
768
00:50:00,293 --> 00:50:01,669
It worked!
769
00:50:02,962 --> 00:50:06,299
For the first fucking time,
it worked.
770
00:50:06,424 --> 00:50:08,176
(Laughs)
771
00:50:14,557 --> 00:50:16,267
(Women chattering)
772
00:50:16,392 --> 00:50:18,311
So, tell me about the movie.
773
00:50:18,436 --> 00:50:21,439
I mean, everyone's talking.
774
00:50:21,564 --> 00:50:23,274
Big production.
775
00:50:25,652 --> 00:50:28,738
- How big?
- I'm talking real big.
776
00:50:28,863 --> 00:50:30,949
- Ooh!
- Lots of big names, too.
777
00:50:32,200 --> 00:50:36,496
Impress me.
I love big names.
778
00:51:34,262 --> 00:51:35,680
May I help you?
779
00:51:35,805 --> 00:51:37,515
Julius Lazar.
780
00:51:38,641 --> 00:51:43,479
Not me, old chap. I am but the humble director
of this $20 million extravaganza.
781
00:51:43,605 --> 00:51:46,774
Is that so?
Where's Lazar?
782
00:51:46,899 --> 00:51:50,361
I'm sure I don't know.
Who's asking for him?
783
00:51:50,486 --> 00:51:52,238
Name's Dubois.
784
00:51:52,947 --> 00:51:54,157
You wanna see my card?
785
00:51:54,741 --> 00:51:58,953
Don't need to stand on formalities.
You're probably an agent.
786
00:51:59,078 --> 00:52:01,164
Yeah, you could say that.
787
00:52:01,289 --> 00:52:04,334
And if these gentlemen are your clients,
788
00:52:04,459 --> 00:52:07,462
I'm afraid we're not casting
the plug uglies today.
789
00:52:08,838 --> 00:52:12,258
Well, we would like to see Mr. Lazar.
790
00:52:12,383 --> 00:52:14,218
So would everyone else.
791
00:52:14,344 --> 00:52:15,678
We're investors.
792
00:52:15,803 --> 00:52:17,388
Well... (Chuckles)
793
00:52:17,513 --> 00:52:21,059
Uh, I believe he's engaged
in a meeting at this moment.
794
00:52:21,184 --> 00:52:22,393
I'm glad to show you the way.
795
00:52:23,311 --> 00:52:24,979
(Dubois) Thank you.
796
00:52:29,859 --> 00:52:33,655
Please, make yourselves comfortable,
while I greet Mr. Lazar.
797
00:52:59,972 --> 00:53:01,474
It's a fucking ambush!
Get 'em!
798
00:53:02,809 --> 00:53:04,102
(Grunting)
799
00:53:09,816 --> 00:53:11,609
(Bones crunching,
Lee whimpers)
800
00:53:12,151 --> 00:53:14,112
(Laughing)
801
00:53:15,905 --> 00:53:17,323
(Paco) Hey man,
we won't hurt you.
802
00:53:26,416 --> 00:53:28,000
Get moving.
803
00:53:28,126 --> 00:53:30,878
- Where are we going?
- Funny! Lazar!
804
00:53:32,046 --> 00:53:33,381
Now!
805
00:53:33,506 --> 00:53:35,133
OK.
806
00:53:52,775 --> 00:53:54,610
I guess I should knock first.
807
00:53:54,736 --> 00:53:56,237
That, or we break it down.
808
00:53:56,362 --> 00:53:59,073
Hey, you're not going to hurt
the little guy, are you?
809
00:53:59,198 --> 00:54:01,576
Just open the door, muscles.
810
00:54:01,701 --> 00:54:02,869
OK.
811
00:54:02,994 --> 00:54:05,413
T.C., I mean, Mr. Lazar!
812
00:54:11,919 --> 00:54:14,088
Mr. Lazar must be having
a private meeting.
813
00:54:14,213 --> 00:54:15,590
We'll endeavor to interrupt.
814
00:54:19,093 --> 00:54:22,054
As you can see,
Mr. Lazar is a man of expensive tastes.
815
00:54:22,180 --> 00:54:24,390
A point reflected in his movies.
816
00:54:24,515 --> 00:54:27,852
His lifestyle's quite frequently
been compared to Hugh Hefner,
817
00:54:27,977 --> 00:54:29,812
although his wealth is far vaster.
818
00:54:29,937 --> 00:54:31,647
An investment in a J.I. production
819
00:54:31,773 --> 00:54:36,277
- is as good as money in the bank.
- (Todd) Yes, yes, yes, yes, oh!
820
00:54:36,402 --> 00:54:38,863
Feel free to talk to him.
He is quite powerful,
821
00:54:38,988 --> 00:54:41,866
but not without a certain
low-key charm.
822
00:54:48,080 --> 00:54:49,624
Oh, yes.
823
00:54:50,833 --> 00:54:52,251
Sorry to bother you, Chief.
824
00:54:54,128 --> 00:54:56,130
This gentleman
would like a word with you.
825
00:54:56,255 --> 00:55:00,468
May I present Mr. Dubois,
prominent Nevada Financier.
826
00:55:01,385 --> 00:55:03,221
He wishes to talk business with you.
827
00:55:03,346 --> 00:55:05,056
Excuse us a moment, my dear.
828
00:55:05,181 --> 00:55:08,184
And thank you
for the scintillating conversation.
829
00:55:14,190 --> 00:55:16,692
(Woman) Bye for now.
Call my agent.
830
00:55:18,778 --> 00:55:21,280
Now, what can I do for you, sir?
831
00:55:21,405 --> 00:55:23,491
Let me tell you
a little bit about myself.
832
00:55:23,616 --> 00:55:25,493
Here comes the pitch.
833
00:55:25,618 --> 00:55:27,829
I was in the Marines for seven years.
834
00:55:27,954 --> 00:55:29,413
The pay wasn't worth shit,
835
00:55:29,539 --> 00:55:33,876
and believe me,
it ain't an adventure, it's a job.
836
00:55:34,001 --> 00:55:36,963
But the only satisfaction I got
was killing people.
837
00:55:37,088 --> 00:55:38,923
Sometimes, even that got boring.
838
00:55:39,048 --> 00:55:40,508
Got back stateside,
839
00:55:40,633 --> 00:55:45,346
had a choice of being a technical advisor
for stupid Vietnam movies,
840
00:55:45,471 --> 00:55:47,098
or a hitman.
841
00:55:47,223 --> 00:55:48,558
Wanna guess which one I took?
842
00:55:48,683 --> 00:55:51,686
I didn't catch your name
on the "Platoon" credits.
843
00:55:51,811 --> 00:55:54,021
Which brings us
to our present business.
844
00:55:54,146 --> 00:55:57,817
Don't tell me, a Nevada family
wants to launder some money.
845
00:55:57,942 --> 00:55:59,485
They already did that.
846
00:56:00,862 --> 00:56:01,863
Excuse me?
847
00:56:01,988 --> 00:56:06,158
"Pink Thunder". You reported a million two,
it only cost you three hundred thou.
848
00:56:06,284 --> 00:56:09,537
I'm always ahead of schedule
and under budget.
849
00:56:10,121 --> 00:56:13,749
I want the other nine hundred thou
plus expenses, plus interest,
850
00:56:13,875 --> 00:56:15,585
plus the family share of the profits.
851
00:56:15,710 --> 00:56:17,461
And don't give me
any of that break-even bullshit.
852
00:56:17,587 --> 00:56:18,754
We read "Variety", too.
853
00:56:18,880 --> 00:56:21,299
What would be the exact sum
that we're talking here?
854
00:56:21,424 --> 00:56:23,551
Well, the family estimates it
at a million six,
855
00:56:23,676 --> 00:56:25,928
but I'll settle for a million
five hundred and ninety-nine thou.
856
00:56:26,596 --> 00:56:27,889
Generous.
857
00:56:28,014 --> 00:56:30,182
(Chuckles) Don't mention it.
858
00:56:30,766 --> 00:56:33,811
Bo? Checkbook, please.
859
00:56:33,936 --> 00:56:35,062
As you wish.
860
00:56:35,187 --> 00:56:37,106
Mr. Dubois,
if you would follow me please?
861
00:56:37,231 --> 00:56:40,276
Mr. Lazar's checks, you see,
are not waterproof.
862
00:56:40,401 --> 00:56:42,069
- (Chuckles)
- Yes.
863
00:56:43,487 --> 00:56:46,282
Minor glitch, T.C.,
all under control.
864
00:56:57,335 --> 00:57:01,255
♪ Ooh, I've never been
here before
865
00:57:02,590 --> 00:57:05,843
♪ All the things
that seemed so important
866
00:57:05,968 --> 00:57:08,387
♪ Don't matter anymore
867
00:57:10,598 --> 00:57:13,184
♪ You cast a spell on me
868
00:57:13,309 --> 00:57:16,145
♪ That won't ever go
869
00:57:18,105 --> 00:57:19,857
♪ You're filling me up
870
00:57:19,982 --> 00:57:22,860
♪ And I'm about to overflow
871
00:57:23,736 --> 00:57:26,447
- Beautiful day.
- (Women giggling)
872
00:57:28,115 --> 00:57:29,492
(Gasping)
873
00:57:30,576 --> 00:57:32,328
Look!
874
00:57:32,453 --> 00:57:34,330
Hi, woo!
875
00:57:34,455 --> 00:57:36,332
Hi! Shit...
876
00:57:37,959 --> 00:57:39,669
Ooh, isn't he just too eccentric?
877
00:57:39,794 --> 00:57:42,004
I think he must be acting out
one of his scenes.
878
00:57:42,129 --> 00:57:44,507
- Yeah...
- (All laughing)
879
00:57:51,639 --> 00:57:52,848
Shit!
880
00:57:54,725 --> 00:57:56,519
Oh, shit!
881
00:57:56,644 --> 00:57:59,063
He's getting away, get him!
882
00:58:01,941 --> 00:58:04,110
(Women cheering, applauding)
883
00:58:09,073 --> 00:58:11,659
- The party's a success, Julie.
- Man, we got a problem.
884
00:58:11,784 --> 00:58:14,578
Oh, God! Don't tell me
we ran out of Dom Perignon?
885
00:58:14,704 --> 00:58:16,831
No, there's some people here,
and I don't think they like me very much,
886
00:58:16,956 --> 00:58:18,207
and I think they wanna hurt me.
887
00:58:18,332 --> 00:58:20,126
Well, what can I do about that?
888
00:58:20,251 --> 00:58:23,546
Do? You're a fucking bodyguard!
This is my fucking body!
889
00:58:23,671 --> 00:58:25,381
Guard my fucking body, got it?
890
00:58:27,883 --> 00:58:29,927
Alright, I'll see what I can do.
891
00:58:30,052 --> 00:58:31,262
Swell.
892
00:58:33,848 --> 00:58:37,727
Hi, handsomes, do I sense
a certain hostility on your parts?
893
00:58:37,852 --> 00:58:41,063
Oh, dear!
Well, if there is to be violence,
894
00:58:41,188 --> 00:58:45,818
I feel it's only fair to warn you
that I'm a certified ninja and a Kung Fu expert.
895
00:58:45,943 --> 00:58:47,737
- Huh?
- What's going on?
896
00:58:48,988 --> 00:58:51,282
(Women gasping,
man groaning)
897
00:58:53,117 --> 00:58:54,827
Sorry if I hurt you.
898
00:58:54,952 --> 00:58:57,872
Number one, I hate violence.
899
00:58:58,622 --> 00:59:00,541
(Yelling, grunting)
900
00:59:06,672 --> 00:59:10,259
Number two, if only people would learn
to talk out their problems,
901
00:59:10,384 --> 00:59:12,053
we could all live happily ever after.
902
00:59:13,512 --> 00:59:14,847
(Yelling)
903
00:59:16,015 --> 00:59:17,600
(Grunting)
904
00:59:21,437 --> 00:59:22,897
(Cheering)
905
00:59:27,318 --> 00:59:29,111
Pretty impressive, no?
906
00:59:30,321 --> 00:59:32,073
What did you say?
907
00:59:32,198 --> 00:59:35,659
I said, "Pretty impressive,"
old chap.
908
00:59:35,785 --> 00:59:36,952
(Groaning)
909
00:59:37,078 --> 00:59:39,246
I must be seeing things.
910
00:59:39,371 --> 00:59:43,250
No, sport, what you're seeing
is pure, undistilled reality.
911
00:59:43,375 --> 00:59:46,879
Brucie here is cleaning house,
and I have a 238 IQ.
912
00:59:47,004 --> 00:59:48,339
(Gasping)
913
00:59:48,464 --> 00:59:50,216
What the hell is going on?
914
00:59:50,341 --> 00:59:52,718
I wouldn't want to surmise, really.
915
00:59:52,843 --> 00:59:54,095
No one's complaining, though.
916
00:59:54,220 --> 00:59:57,640
You see, I suddenly realized it was Spencer
who held back my natural intelligence,
917
00:59:57,765 --> 01:00:01,894
who drove me into my former cocoon
of sub-literate behavior.
918
01:00:02,019 --> 01:00:03,646
(Grunting)
919
01:00:03,771 --> 01:00:05,606
Hello!
920
01:00:05,731 --> 01:00:07,191
What?
921
01:00:07,316 --> 01:00:11,070
Spencer's gone now, Todd.
I found my real self again.
922
01:00:11,195 --> 01:00:14,115
And I must say,
it does have its advantages.
923
01:00:14,240 --> 01:00:16,283
One,
I no longer have to endure
924
01:00:16,408 --> 01:00:21,705
mistreatment of a verbal and physical nature,
from unsophisticated jerks like yourself.
925
01:00:23,082 --> 01:00:24,583
Thanks.
926
01:00:25,668 --> 01:00:26,877
What's two?
927
01:00:27,002 --> 01:00:28,170
(Grunting)
928
01:00:28,295 --> 01:00:31,215
Women love intelligent men
929
01:00:31,340 --> 01:00:34,218
who also happen to have
great bodies.
930
01:00:34,343 --> 01:00:36,887
(Yelling)
931
01:00:37,012 --> 01:00:38,305
(Gasping)
932
01:00:42,143 --> 01:00:43,602
(Yelling)
933
01:00:46,730 --> 01:00:48,566
(Grunting)
934
01:00:50,693 --> 01:00:52,069
(Screaming)
935
01:00:52,194 --> 01:00:53,946
(Grunting)
936
01:01:06,000 --> 01:01:08,085
(Cheering, applauding)
937
01:01:09,170 --> 01:01:11,672
Thank you. Thank you.
938
01:01:11,797 --> 01:01:14,550
This is what they call
Hollywood magic.
939
01:01:14,675 --> 01:01:17,386
- These stuntmen are so real.
- Yeah.
940
01:01:27,980 --> 01:01:29,148
(Growling)
941
01:01:29,273 --> 01:01:32,484
- Oh, shit, I gotta get out of here.
- (Growling)
942
01:01:33,569 --> 01:01:35,446
(Grunting) Ow!
943
01:01:37,198 --> 01:01:40,326
Oh, my God.
944
01:01:40,451 --> 01:01:42,328
(Chuckles)
945
01:01:42,453 --> 01:01:44,079
Hi.
946
01:01:49,210 --> 01:01:50,794
(Groans)
947
01:01:50,920 --> 01:01:53,797
Hope you can talk
with your mouth full.
948
01:01:53,923 --> 01:01:55,049
Can you, punk?
949
01:01:55,174 --> 01:01:57,927
That's the worst Clint Eastwood
I ever heard.
950
01:01:58,052 --> 01:02:01,013
- What?
- Forget it. Argh!
951
01:02:01,138 --> 01:02:02,681
Wait, wait, wait.
952
01:02:02,806 --> 01:02:05,351
- There's something I forgot to tell you.
- I'm all ears.
953
01:02:05,476 --> 01:02:07,019
I'm not Julius Lazar.
954
01:02:07,144 --> 01:02:08,646
No...
955
01:02:08,771 --> 01:02:10,898
You're Bugs Bunny.
956
01:02:11,023 --> 01:02:12,900
And I'm Elmer Fudd.
957
01:02:13,525 --> 01:02:16,237
No, honest, Lazar's in Hawaii.
958
01:02:16,362 --> 01:02:19,073
I can even tell you the name
of the hotel he was staying at.
959
01:02:19,823 --> 01:02:20,824
Talk fast.
960
01:02:20,950 --> 01:02:22,534
(Michelle) Stop it!
961
01:02:24,203 --> 01:02:26,747
- What'd you say, lady?
- I said, "Stop it!"
962
01:02:26,872 --> 01:02:29,792
Whatever matters you have
to settle with Mr. Lazar can wait.
963
01:02:29,917 --> 01:02:31,627
He's Mr. Lazar?
964
01:02:31,752 --> 01:02:34,046
No, he's Bugs Bunny,
and you're Elmer Fudd.
965
01:02:34,171 --> 01:02:35,673
Of course he's Mr. Lazar!
966
01:02:36,257 --> 01:02:38,008
You lying asshole, you.
967
01:02:38,133 --> 01:02:42,054
I can't believe I let you sweet talk me
into coming here, Mr. Lazar.
968
01:02:42,179 --> 01:02:44,390
I have a good mind to leave right now.
969
01:02:44,515 --> 01:02:47,101
So, either talk to me or fight,
one or the other.
970
01:02:47,226 --> 01:02:49,103
(Whirring)
971
01:02:54,066 --> 01:02:56,193
What are you doing?
Let go of me!
972
01:02:56,318 --> 01:02:59,196
Get your hands off of me!
I'll try and fight!
973
01:03:00,698 --> 01:03:03,784
Mr. Lazar, let go of me!
974
01:03:05,703 --> 01:03:07,538
Dammit, let go of me!
975
01:03:08,706 --> 01:03:09,915
Come here!
976
01:03:11,292 --> 01:03:12,668
I'm warning you, Mr. Lazar,
977
01:03:12,793 --> 01:03:15,170
I not only have a very good agent,
I also have a good lawyer who...
978
01:03:15,296 --> 01:03:16,630
Shut up!
979
01:03:17,381 --> 01:03:20,551
- What did you say?
- I said, "Shut up!"
980
01:03:23,595 --> 01:03:26,223
(Helicopter whirring)
981
01:04:02,676 --> 01:04:04,762
(Women screaming)
982
01:04:35,751 --> 01:04:37,419
Ugh!
983
01:04:39,296 --> 01:04:40,756
Send somebody, quick.
984
01:04:40,881 --> 01:04:42,758
Mr. Lazar's mansion, there's a fight.
985
01:05:14,498 --> 01:05:16,291
Hey!
986
01:05:16,417 --> 01:05:19,044
Where are you,
you pink piece of shit?
987
01:05:20,254 --> 01:05:23,590
Bring your motherfucking ass
out here.
988
01:05:23,715 --> 01:05:26,051
I'm not afraid of you!
989
01:05:26,176 --> 01:05:30,180
I've spent seven fucking years
in the Marines, Jack.
990
01:05:30,305 --> 01:05:31,807
I can handle you!
991
01:05:32,683 --> 01:05:34,560
Come on out here.
992
01:05:34,685 --> 01:05:37,104
Kiss my ass, goddammit!
993
01:05:37,813 --> 01:05:40,983
Come on, you little pink...
Oh, shit!
994
01:05:45,779 --> 01:05:47,865
(Grunting)
995
01:05:56,707 --> 01:05:58,792
Argh...!
996
01:06:00,878 --> 01:06:03,046
(Groaning)
997
01:06:16,602 --> 01:06:18,437
(Panting)
998
01:06:23,817 --> 01:06:25,194
(Screeching to a halt)
999
01:06:27,279 --> 01:06:28,363
Knock, knock.
1000
01:06:30,616 --> 01:06:31,783
Ooh!
1001
01:06:34,703 --> 01:06:36,663
Oh, no, Mr. Bill! Not the sword!
1002
01:06:44,338 --> 01:06:46,173
♪ Dum, da-da-dum,
da-da-dah, da-da-dum
1003
01:06:46,298 --> 01:06:49,426
♪ Da-da-dum, da-da-dum,
da-da-dah, da-da-dum ♪
1004
01:06:56,642 --> 01:06:57,851
En garde, Candy Tits.
1005
01:06:59,186 --> 01:07:01,063
- (Grunts)
- Ooh.
1006
01:07:02,272 --> 01:07:03,649
(Grunting)
1007
01:07:18,455 --> 01:07:20,958
(Woman screaming,
Brucie giggling)
1008
01:07:25,546 --> 01:07:27,756
(Grunting)
1009
01:07:33,762 --> 01:07:35,806
(Panting)
1010
01:07:38,016 --> 01:07:39,017
(Growling)
1011
01:07:39,142 --> 01:07:40,686
Ooh!
1012
01:07:52,197 --> 01:07:53,949
(Groaning)
1013
01:08:13,594 --> 01:08:15,554
- Ah!
- (Gasps)
1014
01:08:19,850 --> 01:08:21,518
Well, I'm listening.
1015
01:08:22,102 --> 01:08:25,689
You know, if I had known you were gonna
turn out to be a superficial bitch like this,
1016
01:08:25,814 --> 01:08:27,608
I wouldn't have bothered.
1017
01:08:28,358 --> 01:08:29,693
How dare you!
1018
01:08:30,110 --> 01:08:33,822
It's, like, I tricked you here and, you know,
promised you the moon,
1019
01:08:33,947 --> 01:08:35,574
because I fell for you.
1020
01:08:35,699 --> 01:08:38,785
I liked your honesty. I said,
"Oh, she's different, she's got balls,"
1021
01:08:38,910 --> 01:08:40,996
but, you know, boy was I wrong.
1022
01:08:41,121 --> 01:08:43,957
- Listen, Mr. Lazar...
- Don't call me Lazar.
1023
01:08:44,082 --> 01:08:45,417
Lazar is an asshole.
1024
01:08:46,043 --> 01:08:47,336
I can't argue with that one.
1025
01:08:47,461 --> 01:08:49,296
You just don't get it, do you?
1026
01:08:50,297 --> 01:08:53,091
- I'm not a producer.
- You're not a producer?
1027
01:08:53,216 --> 01:08:55,218
My name is not Lazar.
1028
01:08:55,344 --> 01:08:56,428
Your name's not Lazar?
1029
01:08:57,638 --> 01:08:59,139
I mean, look around you.
1030
01:08:59,264 --> 01:09:01,099
Do I look like Lazar?
1031
01:09:02,184 --> 01:09:03,602
Do I... Do I look like Lazar?
1032
01:09:04,102 --> 01:09:06,396
Would a guy like me
sleep on a bed like this?
1033
01:09:09,024 --> 01:09:10,484
I'm a burglar.
1034
01:09:12,277 --> 01:09:14,321
A common thief.
1035
01:09:14,446 --> 01:09:16,073
A criminal.
1036
01:09:17,157 --> 01:09:19,409
Just your average nice guy.
1037
01:09:22,537 --> 01:09:24,373
(Grunting)
1038
01:09:37,010 --> 01:09:38,804
Ooh.
1039
01:09:40,722 --> 01:09:42,849
(Gasping)
1040
01:09:46,019 --> 01:09:47,562
(Whimpering)
1041
01:09:55,112 --> 01:09:56,488
(Gasps)
1042
01:09:56,613 --> 01:09:58,573
Oh! (Chuckles)
1043
01:09:58,699 --> 01:10:00,492
Oh, God.
1044
01:10:00,617 --> 01:10:03,537
It's times like this,
I wish I were a lesbian.
1045
01:10:03,662 --> 01:10:05,664
(Cheering)
1046
01:10:12,337 --> 01:10:14,881
- You mean, you came here to, uh...?
- That's right.
1047
01:10:15,006 --> 01:10:18,844
We got trapped in here and had to play along,
so we wouldn't get caught.
1048
01:10:19,886 --> 01:10:21,555
What can I say?
1049
01:10:22,305 --> 01:10:25,308
I came, I saw, I fell in love.
1050
01:10:26,059 --> 01:10:27,561
Not with me.
1051
01:10:27,686 --> 01:10:30,897
Of course, with you.
I had no choice.
1052
01:10:32,649 --> 01:10:34,151
Sit!
1053
01:10:37,612 --> 01:10:40,115
- Good boy.
- (Cheering)
1054
01:10:41,992 --> 01:10:46,496
Suppose, just suppose,
I believe you.
1055
01:10:47,706 --> 01:10:50,667
You're a burglar,
your name is Todd.
1056
01:10:50,792 --> 01:10:53,086
All this is not
what it seems to be.
1057
01:10:54,087 --> 01:10:55,839
Where's the real Lazar?
1058
01:10:57,132 --> 01:10:59,509
Come on, come on, come on.
Move your ass.
1059
01:10:59,634 --> 01:11:01,428
Calm down, honey nipples.
1060
01:11:01,553 --> 01:11:03,889
I can't calm down,
and stop calling me honey nipples.
1061
01:11:04,014 --> 01:11:06,057
It's not my fault
the plane had engine trouble.
1062
01:11:06,183 --> 01:11:07,934
We could have taken another one.
1063
01:11:08,059 --> 01:11:09,978
Fucking planes, I hate them.
1064
01:11:10,103 --> 01:11:12,355
They're not as safe as cars.
1065
01:11:15,442 --> 01:11:18,987
I just wanna get back
to the peace and quiet of my own home.
1066
01:11:22,324 --> 01:11:24,493
♪ You get me off... ♪
1067
01:11:24,618 --> 01:11:26,077
(Horn beeping)
1068
01:11:26,828 --> 01:11:28,580
(Tires screeching)
1069
01:11:29,831 --> 01:11:31,500
(Alarm beeping)
1070
01:11:33,043 --> 01:11:34,336
What the fuck?
1071
01:11:34,461 --> 01:11:37,422
Wow, looks like a great party,
and we missed it.
1072
01:11:37,547 --> 01:11:40,467
- Let me get your car, sir?
- No, you can't take my fucking car.
1073
01:11:40,592 --> 01:11:42,219
Just get out of my fucking way.
1074
01:11:47,265 --> 01:11:48,767
Not now, Bo.
1075
01:11:48,892 --> 01:11:51,770
- I'm afraid this can wait, J.I.
- Cut the shit already.
1076
01:11:51,895 --> 01:11:53,605
She knows I'm not Lazar.
1077
01:11:53,730 --> 01:11:56,149
Great, because he just arrived.
1078
01:11:59,361 --> 01:12:01,947
Hey, wait, hey... Where the hell
do you think you're going?
1079
01:12:02,072 --> 01:12:04,866
- Looking for Mr. Goodbar.
- Not Goodbar, Lazar.
1080
01:12:04,991 --> 01:12:06,785
Oh, come outta here, out!
1081
01:12:06,910 --> 01:12:09,246
(Sirens wailing)
1082
01:12:13,750 --> 01:12:15,752
(Valet) Can I get your car, sir?
1083
01:12:17,504 --> 01:12:20,257
Will you look at this?
I'm gonna kill somebody!
1084
01:12:20,382 --> 01:12:22,008
Freeze!
1085
01:12:22,133 --> 01:12:24,010
Put your hands above your head.
1086
01:12:24,135 --> 01:12:25,762
- What the fuck?
- Now!
1087
01:12:26,888 --> 01:12:28,723
Kiss the light.
1088
01:12:28,849 --> 01:12:30,100
I hope you got a warrant.
1089
01:12:30,225 --> 01:12:32,894
I don't need a warrant when the suspect's
caught breaking and entering.
1090
01:12:33,019 --> 01:12:35,021
Breaking and entering,
are you out of your fucking mind?
1091
01:12:35,146 --> 01:12:37,232
I own this house, I'm Julius Lazar.
1092
01:12:37,357 --> 01:12:41,069
Right, and I'm Bugs Bunny. She's Elmer Fudd.
Now, don't move.
1093
01:12:41,194 --> 01:12:42,696
I'm gonna have your badge for this.
1094
01:12:42,821 --> 01:12:45,740
I know the mayor. I'm going to call him up
and have your transferred to Pacoima,
1095
01:12:45,866 --> 01:12:48,785
or some other place
suitable for someone of your ilk!
1096
01:12:48,910 --> 01:12:51,037
(Whispering) What an asshole!
1097
01:12:51,162 --> 01:12:54,708
Alright, look, I'm willing to forget
this intrusion, OK?
1098
01:12:54,833 --> 01:12:55,667
(Gun clicks, Julius gasps)
1099
01:12:55,792 --> 01:12:59,963
If you'll just get my driver's license
out of my inside pocket.
1100
01:13:02,007 --> 01:13:03,008
(Gasps)
1101
01:13:03,592 --> 01:13:05,427
Driver's license, huh?
1102
01:13:05,552 --> 01:13:07,220
You're named Trojan?
1103
01:13:07,345 --> 01:13:09,848
Does this mean
you don't trust me, Julie?
1104
01:13:10,640 --> 01:13:12,767
Or does it mean
you're seeing other women?
1105
01:13:12,893 --> 01:13:16,354
Or don't you wanna have my children,
like your promised?
1106
01:13:16,479 --> 01:13:18,356
Either way, you really suck!
1107
01:13:18,481 --> 01:13:20,483
- Missy!
- (She grunts)
1108
01:13:21,693 --> 01:13:23,653
The other pocket, putz.
1109
01:13:26,114 --> 01:13:27,657
(Grunts)
1110
01:13:30,952 --> 01:13:33,288
Shit!
You are Julius Lazar.
1111
01:13:33,413 --> 01:13:36,917
Yes, that's what I was trying to tell you,
but you wouldn't listen!
1112
01:13:37,042 --> 01:13:38,960
So, the other guy I caught was...
1113
01:13:39,085 --> 01:13:40,629
(Julius) What other guy?
1114
01:13:40,754 --> 01:13:42,088
(Cop) The real crook.
1115
01:13:46,468 --> 01:13:48,303
Freeze, assholes!
1116
01:13:48,428 --> 01:13:50,597
And don't tell me you're Julius Lazar.
1117
01:13:50,722 --> 01:13:52,974
Paco, what the hell
you think you're doing here?
1118
01:13:53,099 --> 01:13:55,310
Oh, señor,
I come to water the plants,
1119
01:13:55,435 --> 01:13:56,937
and somebody attacked me.
1120
01:13:57,062 --> 01:13:58,897
Harmon, release this man,
he's my gardener.
1121
01:13:59,022 --> 01:14:00,440
He's also a thief.
1122
01:14:00,565 --> 01:14:02,192
We want him and his partner here
for questioning.
1123
01:14:02,317 --> 01:14:06,154
Well, take them. And while you're at it,
get everyone else out of here, too.
1124
01:14:06,279 --> 01:14:08,907
That's it, then.
The Mounties got their man.
1125
01:14:09,032 --> 01:14:10,659
I believe we're definitely safe.
1126
01:14:10,784 --> 01:14:12,577
Yeah, now all we have to do
is walk out of here,
1127
01:14:12,702 --> 01:14:14,162
without being too conspicuous.
1128
01:14:15,914 --> 01:14:17,999
In these clothes, shit!
1129
01:14:18,416 --> 01:14:21,127
Uh... Hey, wait a minute,
come here, come here.
1130
01:14:22,295 --> 01:14:25,090
Paco, today is Saturday.
1131
01:14:25,215 --> 01:14:26,716
Now, you usually come on Mondays.
1132
01:14:26,841 --> 01:14:28,593
Si, señor.
1133
01:14:29,636 --> 01:14:32,263
Mi esposa's
having a baby Monday,
1134
01:14:32,389 --> 01:14:34,724
so I decided to come today instead.
1135
01:14:35,141 --> 01:14:37,894
Wait a minute,
you don't have any keys.
1136
01:14:39,604 --> 01:14:41,272
Son of a bitch,
you are a burglar.
1137
01:14:41,398 --> 01:14:43,775
You goddamn wetback asshole!
1138
01:14:43,900 --> 01:14:47,445
I'm gonna call the INS, and I'm gonna
have you shipped back over the border.
1139
01:14:47,570 --> 01:14:48,613
You tried to rob my house.
1140
01:14:48,738 --> 01:14:51,491
I'll get them to the station, Mr. Lazar.
We'll take good care of them.
1141
01:14:51,616 --> 01:14:54,160
No, no, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Come here.
1142
01:14:56,663 --> 01:14:58,540
Paco didn't invite all these people.
1143
01:14:58,665 --> 01:15:00,834
No, no, I didn't invite nobody.
1144
01:15:00,959 --> 01:15:02,335
I even brought my own lunch.
1145
01:15:02,460 --> 01:15:06,381
And Paco didn't tell you that he was me.
So, who did?
1146
01:15:06,506 --> 01:15:08,299
Come to think of it, it wasn't.
1147
01:15:08,425 --> 01:15:10,301
It was a couple of young guys.
1148
01:15:10,427 --> 01:15:13,346
One about five nine, brown hair.
1149
01:15:13,471 --> 01:15:17,183
The other one, not too bright, man.
About six four, blonde.
1150
01:15:17,308 --> 01:15:20,478
Si, si, those ladrones,
burglars.
1151
01:15:20,603 --> 01:15:22,063
They hit me and my amigo.
1152
01:15:22,188 --> 01:15:23,648
Hurt us real bad.
1153
01:15:24,399 --> 01:15:26,860
Harmon, those assholes
have gotta be around here somewhere.
1154
01:15:26,985 --> 01:15:28,445
You find them.
1155
01:15:32,032 --> 01:15:34,075
I'll radio for some help, sir,
they might be armed.
1156
01:15:34,200 --> 01:15:37,162
Yeah, well make it fast.
We're talking my life and property here.
1157
01:15:57,432 --> 01:15:59,601
(♪ Hits random notes)
1158
01:16:02,604 --> 01:16:05,815
Well, maybe the day's
not a loss after all.
1159
01:16:05,940 --> 01:16:07,192
Uh... Hey, you!
1160
01:16:12,280 --> 01:16:15,158
Yeah, you. Come on down here
for a minute, I won't bite.
1161
01:16:17,911 --> 01:16:20,080
Posture, ladies, posture.
1162
01:16:22,415 --> 01:16:24,167
(Julius) Maybe I will.
1163
01:16:32,675 --> 01:16:34,219
Come on, girls.
1164
01:16:36,554 --> 01:16:39,390
Well, you must be actresses.
1165
01:16:40,433 --> 01:16:42,018
Yes, we are.
1166
01:16:42,143 --> 01:16:43,561
My name is Michelle.
1167
01:16:43,686 --> 01:16:46,231
This is my friend, Tanya,
1168
01:16:46,356 --> 01:16:50,735
and this is his...
her friend, Barbara.
1169
01:16:50,860 --> 01:16:52,862
A pleasure.
You do nudity?
1170
01:16:53,446 --> 01:16:55,115
No, I'm afraid not.
1171
01:16:58,201 --> 01:17:01,454
Well, how about Tanya here?
1172
01:17:01,579 --> 01:17:04,499
Looks like you got
a nice little body on you.
1173
01:17:04,624 --> 01:17:07,502
Don't be silly, Mr. Bazar.
1174
01:17:07,627 --> 01:17:09,337
I'm Mormon.
1175
01:17:16,177 --> 01:17:18,972
And you, Barbara?
You're no slouch, either.
1176
01:17:20,223 --> 01:17:21,975
Let me show you my jacuzzi.
1177
01:17:22,100 --> 01:17:23,726
- I like my women big.
- (Bo yells)
1178
01:17:24,519 --> 01:17:26,938
Get your hands off my ass,
douchebag!
1179
01:17:27,063 --> 01:17:28,398
Sorry I blew it, T.C.
1180
01:17:28,523 --> 01:17:29,607
Harmon!
1181
01:17:29,732 --> 01:17:32,402
Mr. Lazar, there's something you should know
before you go getting the police involved.
1182
01:17:32,527 --> 01:17:33,862
You stay away from me, punk!
1183
01:17:33,987 --> 01:17:36,990
You are in deep enough shit already.
Harmon!
1184
01:17:37,115 --> 01:17:39,159
I mean the laundered money
in "Pink Thunder".
1185
01:17:39,284 --> 01:17:40,702
Har...!
1186
01:17:40,827 --> 01:17:41,911
What did you say?
1187
01:17:43,246 --> 01:17:44,372
Yes, Mr. Lazar?
1188
01:17:46,082 --> 01:17:47,876
(Grunts)
1189
01:17:48,001 --> 01:17:49,544
(Smooching)
1190
01:17:49,669 --> 01:17:51,504
"Pink Thunder", Julie.
1191
01:17:51,629 --> 01:17:53,381
- A million two.
- Oh! Oh!
1192
01:17:53,506 --> 01:17:55,008
Oh, Harman, yeah...
1193
01:17:55,133 --> 01:17:58,136
Just take those two foreign assholes
to the station,
1194
01:17:58,261 --> 01:18:01,472
and, uh... and get the hell out of here, OK?
Can't you see I'm busy?
1195
01:18:01,598 --> 01:18:03,308
Sure thing, Mr. Lazar.
1196
01:18:04,142 --> 01:18:05,602
(Bo) Julie!
1197
01:18:14,485 --> 01:18:16,279
Kinky old bastard.
1198
01:18:22,785 --> 01:18:24,454
You see, Julie,
1199
01:18:24,579 --> 01:18:27,498
we didn't expect the kind of shit
you were gonna get us into.
1200
01:18:27,624 --> 01:18:29,626
First, you leave your house
unlocked.
1201
01:18:29,751 --> 01:18:32,420
Legally, that's called
agent provocateur.
1202
01:18:33,254 --> 01:18:35,465
You know,
tempt a burglar go to jail.
1203
01:18:35,590 --> 01:18:39,260
Then we find your gardeners engaged
in a serious misdemeanor,
1204
01:18:39,385 --> 01:18:42,263
not to mention
they're pointing a gun on us.
1205
01:18:42,388 --> 01:18:44,349
Then 100 women
crawl out of the woodwork,
1206
01:18:44,474 --> 01:18:48,728
and hey, to top things off,
we get introduced to your friend, Dubois,
1207
01:18:48,853 --> 01:18:50,688
and his staff of leg breakers.
1208
01:18:50,813 --> 01:18:53,191
Really, Julius,
you should pay your bills.
1209
01:18:53,650 --> 01:18:56,611
OK, OK, how much
do you want, 500?
1210
01:18:57,654 --> 01:18:59,030
Julie, baby,
1211
01:18:59,155 --> 01:19:01,282
what kind of people
do you think we are?
1212
01:19:01,407 --> 01:19:04,577
We're interested in artistic integrity,
not financial compensation.
1213
01:19:04,702 --> 01:19:06,412
(Phone ringing)
1214
01:19:09,624 --> 01:19:11,000
Go ahead.
1215
01:19:13,378 --> 01:19:15,421
- Hello?
- (Mort) 'Julie, it's Mort.'
1216
01:19:15,546 --> 01:19:18,216
Oh, hi, Mort, baby.
Good to hear your voice.
1217
01:19:18,341 --> 01:19:21,135
- 'Yeah, Julie, are you watching?'
- Watching what?
1218
01:19:21,261 --> 01:19:24,514
'Channel seven, you son of a bitch.
You made the national news!'
1219
01:19:24,639 --> 01:19:25,848
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
1220
01:19:25,974 --> 01:19:28,726
'It's... It's a very big thing,
you should see yourself. You look...'
1221
01:19:30,186 --> 01:19:31,187
Oh, God!
1222
01:19:31,312 --> 01:19:32,772
What's the matter?
1223
01:19:32,897 --> 01:19:34,315
It's over.
1224
01:19:34,440 --> 01:19:35,650
Do you know what you've done?
1225
01:19:35,775 --> 01:19:37,360
We're on the news.
1226
01:19:37,485 --> 01:19:39,570
Great, let's watch.
1227
01:19:46,160 --> 01:19:50,498
'Notorious B Movie producer, Julius Lazar,
made Los Angeles headlines today,
1228
01:19:50,623 --> 01:19:55,253
'at an invitation-only party, held at
his lavish multi-million dollar Malibu estate.
1229
01:19:55,378 --> 01:19:59,215
'Lazar, best known for exploitation spoofs
like "Pink Thunder",
1230
01:19:59,340 --> 01:20:02,385
'told assembled guests,
he will make the first X-rated film,
1231
01:20:02,510 --> 01:20:04,846
'to feature major Hollywood stars.
1232
01:20:04,971 --> 01:20:07,265
'Although not confirmed
by their representatives,
1233
01:20:07,390 --> 01:20:10,351
'Jack Nicholson, Tom Cruise,
and Eddie Murphy
1234
01:20:10,476 --> 01:20:15,064
'are said to be among those already secured
for the $20 million production.
1235
01:20:15,940 --> 01:20:19,444
'Major studios, which have shunned
the X rating since "Midnight Cowboy",
1236
01:20:19,569 --> 01:20:22,488
'are said to have reacted
favorably to the idea.
1237
01:20:22,613 --> 01:20:24,699
'Noted one executive from Paramount,
1238
01:20:24,824 --> 01:20:27,285
"'If Nicholson does it,
we'll distribute."
1239
01:20:27,744 --> 01:20:30,788
'Lazar himself
was not available for comment.'
1240
01:20:36,419 --> 01:20:37,462
I'm ruined.
1241
01:20:37,587 --> 01:20:40,173
Julie, what are you talking about?
You're a hit.
1242
01:20:40,298 --> 01:20:41,549
Big time.
1243
01:20:41,674 --> 01:20:45,595
Out with the sleazy exploitation films,
in with the big time pictures.
1244
01:20:46,679 --> 01:20:49,015
I'm history, I'm washed up.
1245
01:20:49,140 --> 01:20:50,391
Not true, J.I.
1246
01:20:50,516 --> 01:20:53,978
This is Hollywood. The dumber it is,
the more it grosses.
1247
01:20:54,103 --> 01:20:55,521
Oh, you're full of shit.
1248
01:20:55,646 --> 01:20:57,690
You disappoint me, Julie.
1249
01:20:57,815 --> 01:21:00,902
How many years in the business
is it now, huh? Ten? Twenty?
1250
01:21:01,027 --> 01:21:02,403
And you still don't get it.
1251
01:21:02,528 --> 01:21:05,656
This town doesn't want small pictures
that make money,
1252
01:21:05,782 --> 01:21:08,409
they want big pictures
that lose a fortune.
1253
01:21:08,534 --> 01:21:10,578
And you're part of the hype now.
1254
01:21:10,703 --> 01:21:12,705
We have a gold mine here.
1255
01:21:13,498 --> 01:21:14,749
"We"?
1256
01:21:14,874 --> 01:21:16,042
Who's "we"?
1257
01:21:16,167 --> 01:21:18,002
(Todd) Us, babe.
1258
01:21:18,127 --> 01:21:20,797
Our story, your name.
1259
01:21:20,922 --> 01:21:24,425
Bright lights, big bucks.
1260
01:21:24,550 --> 01:21:26,594
You don't know anything
about making movies.
1261
01:21:26,719 --> 01:21:30,723
Nothing, and the less we know
the more they'll want.
1262
01:21:30,848 --> 01:21:35,019
Just think of it,
a $20 million X-rated film.
1263
01:21:35,144 --> 01:21:38,439
We'll get a studio deal,
play around with the development money,
1264
01:21:38,564 --> 01:21:40,066
live the life of Riley,
1265
01:21:40,191 --> 01:21:42,610
and spectacularly fail
to give them what they expect,
1266
01:21:42,735 --> 01:21:44,821
and give them something
bigger and better.
1267
01:21:44,946 --> 01:21:47,198
Nothing succeeds like failure.
1268
01:21:47,323 --> 01:21:50,827
And once we fail big,
we'll just get bigger and bigger deals,
1269
01:21:50,952 --> 01:21:52,662
fail harder and harder,
1270
01:21:52,787 --> 01:21:54,914
until pretty soon,
they'll give us $40 million
1271
01:21:55,039 --> 01:21:57,667
for the sequel to "Howard the Duck"
or "Ishtar".
1272
01:21:57,792 --> 01:22:00,878
We can forge actors' names on checks
and become studio president.
1273
01:22:01,003 --> 01:22:03,172
You could become a celebrated crook.
1274
01:22:03,297 --> 01:22:05,842
They'll fire you, of course,
and you'll get a better job.
1275
01:22:05,967 --> 01:22:08,594
It's the only way to get respect
in Hollywood.
1276
01:22:08,719 --> 01:22:11,639
You're on your way to the top, kid.
Trust me.
1277
01:22:17,728 --> 01:22:20,273
- You mean it, Julie?
- Well, of course I mean it, goddammit.
1278
01:22:20,398 --> 01:22:21,983
I'll be loyal.
You're not such a bad kid.
1279
01:22:22,108 --> 01:22:24,986
You're not so bad yourself,
honey nipples. (Giggles)
1280
01:22:28,156 --> 01:22:30,575
- I'm glad we're going to Hawaii.
- Me too.
1281
01:22:32,660 --> 01:22:34,370
Fucking planes.
1282
01:22:39,625 --> 01:22:41,169
All set, Mr. I.
1283
01:22:41,919 --> 01:22:44,589
Now, you two love birds have fun.
We'll take care of the rest.
1284
01:22:44,714 --> 01:22:46,674
Just don't let them break anything,
OK, cupcake?
1285
01:22:46,799 --> 01:22:49,635
Don't worry about a thing.
I'll be like a mother to them.
1286
01:22:49,760 --> 01:22:51,345
I'm sure you will.
1287
01:22:53,014 --> 01:22:54,682
Life's a bitch.
1288
01:22:54,807 --> 01:22:56,559
(Engine starts)
1289
01:22:57,226 --> 01:22:58,644
(Tires screeching)
1290
01:22:58,769 --> 01:23:01,022
(♪ THOMAS MAROLDA:
"I Promise")
1291
01:23:08,362 --> 01:23:11,782
♪ In a world of deception
1292
01:23:13,659 --> 01:23:16,579
♪ I would be a fool
1293
01:23:18,956 --> 01:23:24,420
♪ Not to notice
you're the exception to the rule
1294
01:23:25,463 --> 01:23:30,927
♪ So, I promise not to let you go
1295
01:23:31,636 --> 01:23:36,807
♪ I promise I'll always love you
1296
01:23:36,933 --> 01:23:41,521
♪ I promise not to let you go
1297
01:23:41,938 --> 01:23:44,190
♪ if you want me to
1298
01:23:48,236 --> 01:23:50,947
♪ Holding you so near
1299
01:23:51,072 --> 01:23:52,740
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh... ♪
1300
01:23:52,865 --> 01:23:54,825
Promise to love me?
1301
01:23:54,951 --> 01:23:56,369
I do.
1302
01:23:57,370 --> 01:23:59,038
Promise to care?
1303
01:23:59,747 --> 01:24:01,415
I do.
1304
01:24:02,875 --> 01:24:05,920
Promise you'll never look
at another woman again?
1305
01:24:06,045 --> 01:24:07,547
I do.
1306
01:24:09,507 --> 01:24:12,718
Promise you won't become
a typical Hollywood asshole?
1307
01:24:14,387 --> 01:24:15,846
I do.
1308
01:24:16,931 --> 01:24:21,644
♪ I promise not to let you go
1309
01:24:21,769 --> 01:24:25,439
♪ if you want me to... ♪
1310
01:24:30,069 --> 01:24:31,612
Aww!
1311
01:24:34,031 --> 01:24:35,449
Marvelous bouquet.
1312
01:24:44,875 --> 01:24:46,836
(Man) 'Hey, Bo, anybody there?'
1313
01:24:47,795 --> 01:24:49,755
Mom, Spencer?
1314
01:24:49,880 --> 01:24:52,300
'I don't know anybody named Spencer
down here, Bo.
1315
01:24:52,425 --> 01:24:55,553
'What's the deal with these fireworks?
They start in three hours.'
1316
01:24:56,679 --> 01:25:01,684
Well, I don't know anything about fireworks,
but go ahead and launch them, I guess.
1317
01:25:01,809 --> 01:25:04,478
(Fireworks shrieking)
1318
01:25:04,604 --> 01:25:09,650
♪ I promise not to let you go
1319
01:25:10,735 --> 01:25:15,323
♪ I promise I'll always love you
1320
01:25:16,032 --> 01:25:20,036
♪ I promise that I'll always care
1321
01:25:20,161 --> 01:25:22,830
♪ if you want me to
1322
01:25:22,955 --> 01:25:27,877
♪ I promise not to let you go
1323
01:25:29,295 --> 01:25:33,591
♪ I promise to love you always
1324
01:25:34,634 --> 01:25:38,304
♪ I promise I'm not going anywhere
1325
01:25:38,429 --> 01:25:41,432
♪ I'll always be here
1326
01:25:42,308 --> 01:25:44,143
♪ Oh, I promise ♪
1327
01:25:45,478 --> 01:25:48,356
(♪ THOMAS MAROLDA:
"That's Life")
1328
01:25:54,654 --> 01:25:56,906
♪ Ba, da-ba-dup
1329
01:25:57,031 --> 01:26:00,451
♪ Ba-da-dum,
ba-da-da, da-da-dum
1330
01:26:02,411 --> 01:26:05,873
- ♪ I woke up
- ♪ I woke up
1331
01:26:05,998 --> 01:26:09,794
- ♪ On the wrong side of bed
- ♪ On the wrong side of bed
1332
01:26:09,919 --> 01:26:13,631
- ♪ You try to do right
- ♪ You try to do right
1333
01:26:13,756 --> 01:26:17,802
♪ Where your heart's being led, yeah
1334
01:26:17,927 --> 01:26:19,804
♪ Bending rules
1335
01:26:21,722 --> 01:26:25,184
♪ I'll get where I'm going
1336
01:26:25,309 --> 01:26:27,144
♪ You're a rebel tonight
1337
01:26:29,146 --> 01:26:33,234
♪ I'm dressed,
and you know it's showing
1338
01:26:33,359 --> 01:26:36,070
- ♪ Baby
- ♪ That's life
1339
01:26:37,571 --> 01:26:40,408
♪ Some things never change
in a love affair
1340
01:26:42,785 --> 01:26:44,704
♪ That's life
1341
01:26:45,329 --> 01:26:48,082
♪ We can rearrange this love affair
1342
01:26:50,459 --> 01:26:51,752
♪ That's life
1343
01:26:52,586 --> 01:26:54,630
♪ Ba, da-ba-dup
1344
01:26:55,089 --> 01:26:58,551
♪ Ba-da-dum,
ba-da-da, da-da-dum
1345
01:27:00,428 --> 01:27:03,889
- ♪ I woke up
- ♪ I woke up
1346
01:27:04,014 --> 01:27:07,852
- ♪ My room has no view
- ♪ My room has no view
1347
01:27:07,977 --> 01:27:11,105
- ♪ You drive down the road
- ♪ You drive down the road
1348
01:27:11,230 --> 01:27:13,691
♪ I wanna be next to you
1349
01:27:13,816 --> 01:27:15,526
♪ You, girl
1350
01:27:15,651 --> 01:27:17,611
♪ Some days get hot
1351
01:27:17,737 --> 01:27:19,155
♪ You're getting real hot
1352
01:27:19,280 --> 01:27:22,575
♪ But together we can fly
1353
01:27:23,534 --> 01:27:26,662
- ♪ You get me off
- ♪ You get me off
1354
01:27:26,787 --> 01:27:31,125
♪ 'Cause there's love in your eyes
1355
01:27:31,250 --> 01:27:33,961
- ♪ Baby, baby
- ♪ That's life
1356
01:27:35,379 --> 01:27:38,632
♪ Some things never change
in a love affair
1357
01:27:40,718 --> 01:27:42,178
♪ That's life
1358
01:27:43,179 --> 01:27:45,931
♪ We can rearrange this love affair
1359
01:27:48,350 --> 01:27:49,769
♪ That's life
1360
01:28:04,158 --> 01:28:05,910
♪ Ba, da-ba-dup
1361
01:28:06,494 --> 01:28:09,538
♪ Ba-da-dum,
ba-da-da, da-da-dum
1362
01:28:09,663 --> 01:28:11,707
♪ Ba-da-da, da-da-dum
1363
01:28:11,832 --> 01:28:14,084
♪ Ba, da-ba-dup
1364
01:28:14,210 --> 01:28:17,588
♪ Ba-da-dum,
ba-da-da, da-da-dum
1365
01:28:19,381 --> 01:28:22,843
- ♪ Some things get hot
- ♪ Ooh, it gets hot
1366
01:28:22,968 --> 01:28:26,305
♪ But together we can fly
1367
01:28:27,264 --> 01:28:30,434
- ♪ You get me off
- ♪ You get me off
1368
01:28:30,559 --> 01:28:34,855
♪ Girl, you know
that there's love in your eyes
1369
01:28:34,980 --> 01:28:37,650
- ♪ Baby
- ♪ That's life
1370
01:28:39,151 --> 01:28:41,779
♪ Some things never change
in a love affair
1371
01:28:44,323 --> 01:28:45,866
♪ That's life
1372
01:28:46,909 --> 01:28:49,620
♪ We can rearrange this love affair
1373
01:28:52,039 --> 01:28:53,290
♪ That's life
1374
01:28:54,208 --> 01:28:56,460
♪ Ba, da-ba-dup
1375
01:28:56,585 --> 01:28:59,964
♪ Ba-da-dum,
ba-da-da, da-da-dum
1376
01:29:01,966 --> 01:29:05,427
- ♪ I woke up
- ♪ I woke up
1377
01:29:05,553 --> 01:29:09,431
- ♪ My room has no view
- ♪ My room has no view
1378
01:29:09,557 --> 01:29:12,810
- ♪ You drive down the road
- ♪ You drive down the road
1379
01:29:12,935 --> 01:29:16,564
- ♪ I wanna be next to you
- ♪ You, girl
1380
01:29:17,273 --> 01:29:20,734
- ♪ Some things get hot
- ♪ You're getting real hot
1381
01:29:20,860 --> 01:29:24,238
♪ But together we can fly
1382
01:29:25,155 --> 01:29:28,242
- ♪ You get me off
- ♪ You get me off
1383
01:29:28,367 --> 01:29:32,121
♪ 'Cause there's love in your eyes
1384
01:29:32,872 --> 01:29:35,666
- ♪ Baby, baby
- ♪ That's life
1385
01:29:37,126 --> 01:29:39,837
♪ Some things never change
in a love affair
1386
01:29:42,256 --> 01:29:44,133
♪ That's life
1387
01:29:44,967 --> 01:29:47,595
♪ We can rearrange this love affair
1388
01:29:50,014 --> 01:29:51,307
♪ That's life ♪